This trip back to California has been a wild one, all at once rocky and smooth, quiet and loud, chaotic and peaceful, lovely and yucky and I suppose I had an epiphany yesterday that I should just accept this life as ordinary, one where the daily fluctuations of mind and heart are just the same as the next guy. Of course I don't want to be the same as the next guy, and my life has not been that of the next guy for the last couple years, I sometimes forget that I'm on a journey here, not just an ordinary life.
Yesterday a Dude named John came into the bike shop. He was refereed by a customer who has continually ignored me when I am there and so I was at first skeptical. But John has only recently returned from living in Northwestern Italy for 3 years with his partner, John is also a cyclist for life, an old track hag, and a dude who can tell you within a 5 year window how old the old bike you have is, and when it was made, and what brand it probably was - the guy is a bike guy through and through and I talked to him for about a half hour yesterday. We told some Italy stories and complained about american food, but most importantly I think we somehow validated each others experiences.
This winter I have at times forgotten about the life I live back in Italy. I have been caught up in making a little money here, keeping my days balanced between what I want to do and what those I love want to do, staying on my bike as much as possible through injuries, weather, expectations, and alternative plans, trying to love and be loved no matter what my expectations of that are, and generally just getting through the days and the weeks. I've been comparing these two "homes" and trying to reason though a judgement, trying to simply pick one and stick with it, commit to one life and make it fully mine. San Diego has been far more dynamic than I expected this year. Sharing stories with John yesterday made me realize that coming back to San Diego in the winter is very much a part of the static and dynamic metaphysics that guides my decision making. The dynamic shifts create personal growth and a deepening of values and the static ratcheting creates a comfortable space to absorb the new changes.
I wrote on the train just a week ago that "reason is my static ratcheting mechanism" and by that I felt that it was the opposite of dynamic decision making and DO-ing. I think too much, its true, but not in the sense that I think more than others, but in the sense that I spend a ton of time thinking about what it is I should or could do, but very little time actually DO-ing what it is I have reasoned to be the best course of action. It makes me an armchair philosopher, not a man of action, and it might be the source of some self loathing, definitely the motivator behind yesterdays ride when sitting around thinking was starting to feel counter-productive and mentally taxing. I needed to DO SOMETHING!
Every single hour of every single day from here till the time I board a plane is spoken for, planned out, reserved and marked on the list...Nothing else can be added and very little can be moved around, and as much as I feel confined by my own plans, its the best thing for me this close to yet another massive shift in my reality. Sure, I know more and more what to expect with the transition but it is still a tough transition to make twice a year. I'm living the ultimate double life - one here in the sunny winter months with love and family and friends and good people who speak my language, the other there in Italy with barriers, a ton of work, a few friends that are getting closer every year, my own bedroom, and a place to keep my toothbrush, no more travel size! Both lives have their positive and negatives - because both lives are mine. Both lives are governed by the broad range of human emotion - because both lives are mine. And both lives are what I WANT - because both lives are mine.
Looking forward to the next dynamic shift, reasoning my way through it, and sharing it with you as I go.
S.
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