All wrapped now isn't it?
Nope.
The emotional roller coaster I thought was wrapping up was only just begun.
Has it ended?
Yup.
Am I in that old familiar place of wondering what the fuck went wrong, how I could have been more patient, and how I could have made minor adjustments to keep her?
Yup.
Am I another relationship older and probably more set in my opinions than ever before - Yup.
Do I still feel
The Right One's Will Get It.
Absofuckinglutely!!!
She got it for a summer, and into the fall. And somewhere along the way, things changed, she retreated and in my own desperate way I chased her into running faster. A lesson learned at the cost of more summertime adventures?
Maybe not...
They were the same old summertime adventures I have been having for years!
Only the names and faces of the folks I talk into joining me changes.
There have been overnight bike rides with Jesse, Dragoni and Anna, Ryan, Igor, Sara, Rob, Havilah, Lisa, Robin...
...and a ton of them by myself!!
The company is nice to have that's for sure - look back through the years of blog entries and you can see the adventures and the friends that shared them.
But MOST of them have been solo,
this whole lifestyle started as a way to deal with my Mom's suicide.
A journey I have only shared small bits and pieces with close friends, crossing paths but never really getting too deep into the emotional side of the anguish, the resentment, the fears, the guilt, and the sadness.
That's the Journey I have been hogging all to myself.
I got some healing to do for sure - but its not for the loss of love.
I'm STILL surrounded by love.
Re-connecting with this body of writing and pictures, this bag of memories forever archived on the web, has shown me that no matter where I have gone, across cultural and language barriers, across ages and social backgrounds, men women cats and dogs, I have always been surrounded by good spirits full of love.
Boone is that now.
Not the love of one
but the love of many.
Dinner with another spiritual thinker last Wednesday highlighted all the things this place will teach you about yourself. Its a place to get insular - without running away.
As I sit here the owner of the Cafe asks a familiar questions;
"Hey Scott, are you working tonight..."
I say "Yeah you coming by for a pint?"
He and his lady say - "No man, we were hoping you would come bowling with us."
After waking with my mind in the past this morning,
I head into the second half of the day,
Two feet firmly on the ground in Boone
surrounded by the same old love I have always been full of.
A little ME time is exactly what I needed
and I'm gonna do what I always do with it - Share it!
call me....I'm free.
S.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
Still the same old me I was when I got here....
Been quite a couple weeks.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!
Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences
1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE
...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.
Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!
Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences
1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE
...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.
Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.