Written from the stoop of the Todd Mercantile while Neil Young's Harvest Moon slowly aches another heart towards spring...
I wept today.
Not for sadness, but for spring,
For the wave from a stranger passing by on a slow Sunday drive,
For the warmth of the sun in the crisp mountain air,
For a vain little bird skipping from parked car to parked car trying to climb into the side mirror of his own reflection,
For the twinkle of folk music from the grainy outdoor speakers at the Todd Mercantile,
For a warm cup of fresh coffee cradled in the sun half way through another great bike ride,
For the big fat bumble bee I share this stoop with, drying his wings and pumping his antennae ready for the work of spring.
I wept for the peace I feel here in the mountains of Western North Carolina,
For the friends I have made, and
For the Love I feel,
For the city-like apartment I call my home alone,
And for these rides of such ease to places forgotten by the hustle of the modern day.
I wept for the places I have seen, for the springs I have felt deep in my thawing soul of winter rest.
I wept for the loss, but much much more for the gains, for they have been too numerous to count!
I smile for what is to come, unknowable as it is,
And as surely as its shape is a Smile,
And its colour can only be Yellow,
I know in a part of me that has lived before that it will be Amazing, Happy, and full of Love.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
I sit here nestled safely in these Blue Ridge Mountains
Erasing memories before they take
starting all fresh and new
with a smile as wide as the day was with love.
A comfort washes over me like I have not known in years
the peace and restfulness that comes from the smile of someone new
knowing that this will be home
and home will have its ups and downs,
that home will have its flirtatious flings
and home will have its tragic losses
that home has all the trappings of the summer sun - free in your body to explore
and the confines of the winter solstice, with nesting feelings. loneliness
and hot cocoa with too much whiskey in it.
Home has the parties and the sorrows
and I come to realize that home has always been with me
that it is the people who make it what it is for me
both the joys and the pains
the people I have attached to
as I did when I was a child
attached in love
to the friends I have made along the way
and the friends that were close enough to let me go
to the friends, lovers, and family that have all conspired to set me free
free from the constraints of a narrowly defined sence of place
and a belonging in a home away from home
allowing me to reach out
to step out
to venture out away from that which I have bonded
that which I have become so attached
to see the world
to collapse my heart around my biggest fears
and to come out unscathed
to those who have let me go
to those who have gone before me
to those who have allowed me the closeness
and to those who have allowed me the space
to those who were there and now are gone
and especially to those who are here and now
THANK YOU
for the love, for the heart, for the mind, for the freedom to take you all with me.
to carry you deep in my heart
some for a moment
some for ever
all becoming a part of who this life becomes with every sunrise
and who I want to be at every sunset.
S.
Erasing memories before they take
starting all fresh and new
with a smile as wide as the day was with love.
A comfort washes over me like I have not known in years
the peace and restfulness that comes from the smile of someone new
knowing that this will be home
and home will have its ups and downs,
that home will have its flirtatious flings
and home will have its tragic losses
that home has all the trappings of the summer sun - free in your body to explore
and the confines of the winter solstice, with nesting feelings. loneliness
and hot cocoa with too much whiskey in it.
Home has the parties and the sorrows
and I come to realize that home has always been with me
that it is the people who make it what it is for me
both the joys and the pains
the people I have attached to
as I did when I was a child
attached in love
to the friends I have made along the way
and the friends that were close enough to let me go
to the friends, lovers, and family that have all conspired to set me free
free from the constraints of a narrowly defined sence of place
and a belonging in a home away from home
allowing me to reach out
to step out
to venture out away from that which I have bonded
that which I have become so attached
to see the world
to collapse my heart around my biggest fears
and to come out unscathed
to those who have let me go
to those who have gone before me
to those who have allowed me the closeness
and to those who have allowed me the space
to those who were there and now are gone
and especially to those who are here and now
THANK YOU
for the love, for the heart, for the mind, for the freedom to take you all with me.
to carry you deep in my heart
some for a moment
some for ever
all becoming a part of who this life becomes with every sunrise
and who I want to be at every sunset.
S.
Friday, February 19, 2016
All wrapped now isn't it?
Nope.
The emotional roller coaster I thought was wrapping up was only just begun.
Has it ended?
Yup.
Am I in that old familiar place of wondering what the fuck went wrong, how I could have been more patient, and how I could have made minor adjustments to keep her?
Yup.
Am I another relationship older and probably more set in my opinions than ever before - Yup.
Do I still feel
The Right One's Will Get It.
Absofuckinglutely!!!
She got it for a summer, and into the fall. And somewhere along the way, things changed, she retreated and in my own desperate way I chased her into running faster. A lesson learned at the cost of more summertime adventures?
Maybe not...
They were the same old summertime adventures I have been having for years!
Only the names and faces of the folks I talk into joining me changes.
There have been overnight bike rides with Jesse, Dragoni and Anna, Ryan, Igor, Sara, Rob, Havilah, Lisa, Robin...
...and a ton of them by myself!!
The company is nice to have that's for sure - look back through the years of blog entries and you can see the adventures and the friends that shared them.
But MOST of them have been solo,
this whole lifestyle started as a way to deal with my Mom's suicide.
A journey I have only shared small bits and pieces with close friends, crossing paths but never really getting too deep into the emotional side of the anguish, the resentment, the fears, the guilt, and the sadness.
That's the Journey I have been hogging all to myself.
I got some healing to do for sure - but its not for the loss of love.
I'm STILL surrounded by love.
Re-connecting with this body of writing and pictures, this bag of memories forever archived on the web, has shown me that no matter where I have gone, across cultural and language barriers, across ages and social backgrounds, men women cats and dogs, I have always been surrounded by good spirits full of love.
Boone is that now.
Not the love of one
but the love of many.
Dinner with another spiritual thinker last Wednesday highlighted all the things this place will teach you about yourself. Its a place to get insular - without running away.
As I sit here the owner of the Cafe asks a familiar questions;
"Hey Scott, are you working tonight..."
I say "Yeah you coming by for a pint?"
He and his lady say - "No man, we were hoping you would come bowling with us."
After waking with my mind in the past this morning,
I head into the second half of the day,
Two feet firmly on the ground in Boone
surrounded by the same old love I have always been full of.
A little ME time is exactly what I needed
and I'm gonna do what I always do with it - Share it!
call me....I'm free.
S.
Nope.
The emotional roller coaster I thought was wrapping up was only just begun.
Has it ended?
Yup.
Am I in that old familiar place of wondering what the fuck went wrong, how I could have been more patient, and how I could have made minor adjustments to keep her?
Yup.
Am I another relationship older and probably more set in my opinions than ever before - Yup.
Do I still feel
The Right One's Will Get It.
Absofuckinglutely!!!
She got it for a summer, and into the fall. And somewhere along the way, things changed, she retreated and in my own desperate way I chased her into running faster. A lesson learned at the cost of more summertime adventures?
Maybe not...
They were the same old summertime adventures I have been having for years!
Only the names and faces of the folks I talk into joining me changes.
There have been overnight bike rides with Jesse, Dragoni and Anna, Ryan, Igor, Sara, Rob, Havilah, Lisa, Robin...
...and a ton of them by myself!!
The company is nice to have that's for sure - look back through the years of blog entries and you can see the adventures and the friends that shared them.
But MOST of them have been solo,
this whole lifestyle started as a way to deal with my Mom's suicide.
A journey I have only shared small bits and pieces with close friends, crossing paths but never really getting too deep into the emotional side of the anguish, the resentment, the fears, the guilt, and the sadness.
That's the Journey I have been hogging all to myself.
I got some healing to do for sure - but its not for the loss of love.
I'm STILL surrounded by love.
Re-connecting with this body of writing and pictures, this bag of memories forever archived on the web, has shown me that no matter where I have gone, across cultural and language barriers, across ages and social backgrounds, men women cats and dogs, I have always been surrounded by good spirits full of love.
Boone is that now.
Not the love of one
but the love of many.
Dinner with another spiritual thinker last Wednesday highlighted all the things this place will teach you about yourself. Its a place to get insular - without running away.
As I sit here the owner of the Cafe asks a familiar questions;
"Hey Scott, are you working tonight..."
I say "Yeah you coming by for a pint?"
He and his lady say - "No man, we were hoping you would come bowling with us."
After waking with my mind in the past this morning,
I head into the second half of the day,
Two feet firmly on the ground in Boone
surrounded by the same old love I have always been full of.
A little ME time is exactly what I needed
and I'm gonna do what I always do with it - Share it!
call me....I'm free.
S.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Still the same old me I was when I got here....
Been quite a couple weeks.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!
Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences
1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE
...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.
Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!
Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences
1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE
...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.
Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.