Appreciations (over) Expectations

Been a nice long while since I've written anything...
ANYWHERE!

Not just here but in any of my little black books.

Id like to say its because I have been KILLING IT at living, but the truth is my commitment to working as a form of identity, giving it my all, my over the top approach to new relationships, as well as the ease of using technology these days, to take photos, or make stupid little lists to keep my scatter-brained days in order, have all conspired against the classic need for a little Scott Time all to myself.

Too complicate things (as my brain LOVES to do) I have been looking over the fence again - thinking my life felt more stable, more active, more balanced at some other time, in some other place... usually Italy.  I really had a major shift living that seasonal traveling life, and as much as I wanted to finally "just LIVE someplace for a while" as I had been saying the last year, now that I'm here....well.... I miss the traveling seasonal thing.  The Fish of Emotion constantly chasing the Fish of Emotions... or was it the other way around...

Deeper we go...

Why do I miss it?  It was too much work and not enough money!  It was unstable and uncertain!  I never felt like I truly belonged any one place, I never really wanted to stay past the changing of the leaves, and I never imagined I would stop exploring.  Is my experience here in Boone any different though?  I still work too much - I always have.  Nothing is stable or certain in my life - EVER! and to start thinking so would only end in the harsh reminder that I am NOT in control of anything but my reactions.  The social chameleon that I have grown to be means that I can act like I belong, but it has grown out of mostly feeling like I never really truly found my cultural niche.  The job that I do purports to be achieving something socially wonderful for a community - and yet when I look around I only see people drinking beer.  I'm starting to feel the change of season, and if its anything like the feelings of spring, I anticipate wanting to pack it all up and go - because that's the mental and physical memory I have of the past 6 years worth of seasonal changes. My life has ebbed and flowed with the seasons, and I don't mean that in some eloquent Walt Whitman prose - I simply mean I get itchy to go someplace new.

All these feelings subsided yesterday - in the way that they always have for me and my busy overactive mind...on a bike.  I went for what I originally thought was going to be an easy ride, 300 feet of climbing out to a little cafe along a lazy river - a ride I truly love to do, and one I have done many times since last fall.

Then I saw a side road...and I got that pull.  The pull I used to get in Italy, when my sense of adventure was at an all time high, that feeling that leaves me glowing at the end of a ride answering the question "where did you ride?" with the smiling simple answer "that way."  I took a small side road that ended up being a dead end, but led me to the idea of riding a familiar road in an unfamiliar directions.

Baby steps

What transpired was amazing.  Twisty paved descents, quiet country roads, pavement ends - turns to chunky gravel and dirt, climb, climb, climb... and more roads into town, through the green-way paths and quiet parks, bypassing the last hill to my house for a slow, steep, grassy creep up the back yard.  Almost 2000 feet of climbing, and mostly on dirt without another soul around.

https://goo.gl/maps/AvPlz


And that was just the scenery.  The mental landscape of the ride is where the REAL journey was - and always has been.

I thought of work for the first few minutes, and then it slipped away, somewhere in the huff of tired lungs, and rhythmic legs, and the crunch of tires on gravel, it simply disappeared.

I thought of Italy, of how much I loved those dirt roads, those long climbs, how much I rode, and how much I enjoyed getting lost.  I thought naught of how much I missed it, but of how much it taught me about myself, and how I have been lazily doing mostly what I know in Boone.  I thought of those days on a bike when I didn't know where I was going, or how long it would take, if I would make it out with enough food and water.  Not being able to call for a ride in made the adventures a little frightening and a little exciting.  I thought of how lazy I have become in Boone, with a car, and language, and money, and I shifted into a bigger cog and made my legs burn until I could not remember where I was going.  A pang of fear; not enough water? or food?  do I have a spare tube or patch kit? an unprepared ride after weeks of making plans and lists for everything else in life - and I'm back to feeling the confidence I left Italy with.  Confidence in the only thing I know - that I really don't know!

Another Muscle Memory Remembered.

I thought of the women in my life - of course of my Mother, who I long to share with when my confidence is high, and whom I miss terribly when it is low.  I thought of the relationships I have left behind, and the ones that took another road.  I think of the ones who would have enjoyed a ride like this one, and the ones who were not patient enough or strong enough to make it.

I thought of Robin - In a short amount of time, and without anything more than a "natural" effort, she has understood me, who I am right now, and where I come from.  She engages me on a mental and physical level that is unmatched by anything from my past.  She is a thinker, and a do-er on a level I always hoped for in a friend, and so much more so as a lover, or girlfriend, or buddy, or special-lady-friend-person.... she is so much more I might have to make up a new word to refer to her!!  In the amount of time it usually takes me to tire of a relationship, or to start seeing through it, and plan an escape - she and I have done so much together that I cannot WAIT for the next three months.... and the three months after that... and the three.... you get the idea.  Most importantly she shared with me the little life equasion below:

APPRECIATIONS   = a Happy UNbalanced life
    expectations



Its a math equation that rings so much truth for me, piggy-backs on conceptual frameworks of my own searching for the ever-elusive balance....

I thought of where I have CHOSEN to be - in the high country of the Appalachian Mountains.  It really is beautiful here.  My comparative mind wants it to be my own private Romagna, La Mia Romagna Privata - and the more I get out and appreciate it - IT IS!  I have the things I wanted from a community, from a small(ish) town in the lower 48 states.  I have some bodies of water with amazing swimming holes to ride to.  I have some flatter rides when I'm feeling lazy, and some steep climbs when I want to get lost for the day.  I have friends, a good job that appreciates the work I have done in the past and the work I am doing now.  I have the toys I want, and the means to get to and from the places I want to use them.  I have a farmers market once a week, an art crawl once a month, and all the great coffee and cold beer I could want.  I have a Lady who wants to show me some places I didn't know about, and to find some new ones together, a Lady who doesn't sit still long, who gets antsy in the pantsy to travel, and who is willing to take the risk of getting close to share it all with me.

Needless to say - by the end of the ride, APPRECIATIONS were, and remain at an ALL TIME HIGH!

Here are some pics... Bonus points if you can tell me which one is NOT Boone.  One of them is Italy, a ride that felt, sounded, and did for me what yesterdays ride did here in NC.

Thanks for being a part of it in whatever way you are...
S.

Spring brings change and growth...

But This aint about flowers growing in your raised bed urban gardens. 
This is about SUN! 
This is also about changes of attitude, changes in latitude.
This aint no cheeseburger in paradise.

This is life, the constant evolution, revolution, of it all.
ALL.

You have a conversation with a fun new job one day - about how you wish you could do more but you have another job comitment, and in June you will make yourself more available...

The next day that other commitment fires you by TEXT!?
I wish you could hear my laughter - TEXT!?  Yeah, the millineals are now in charge. they are setting the norm for how its done.  And its done by text.

I spent the last week shredding with one of the Top 5!  And to be honest, hes pretty damn far up there!  Jesse Huselid and I have been on all kinds of bike, in all kinds of places.  He has driven me to airports at ungodly hours, and bought the first rounds when I landed.  He has scooped me up when I was drunk and picked me up when I was sad.  Hes a TRUE FRIEND!  Hes also a wicked smart dude, who is in the midst of changes himself, graduating with another degree and entering into full on work world with fancy clothes and a commute and everything and I could not be more proud of him. 

This past week we shredded on mountain bikes all over Appalachia and I can honestly say that having him here to explore some new trails together makes me really feel like this could be HOME.

WHAT!?!?!

Is Olde Scotty Boy gonna settle down?  Who knows.  I did by an ice cube tray at the thrift store today, that could be a sign of things to come... but I do know that spring has brought the changes I needed to see happen to consider this place home for a bit.  Im no longer working the shitty underpaid bike shop jobs of the past, where my skills and experience are undervalued and underpaid.  I turned my back on beer jobs in 2009 when I thought it just wasnt going to do it for me, and bikes have allowed me to travel all over the world.  But bike jobs always came with the stress of under-appreciated hard working hours and ultimately abandonment in the end for some reason related to the fact that my energy is not for the typical bike shop owner, and my mouth is not needed as much as my hands and back.

Im working at Appalachian Mountain Brewery, and after my resume was passed around from brew-house, to tap room, and after I was fought over for that first big weekend of events, after being asked by customers 4 out of 5 shifts if I was the owner (even right in front of the actual owner one time!) and after my enthusiasm, knowledge, work history, and ethic has been discussed by decision makers as something to retain, I'm feeling like I have again not just turned towards the beer industry, but have received the recognition I deserve and a chance to thrive in an environment that fits who I have become.

Now dont go thinking this is some kind of "Return of HANK" cause I am certainly NOT the same dude I was in 2009.  I have also learned a lot of good lessons.  Im STILL learning lessons, what works in any particular situation and what does not in another... its a tricky world to navigate out there.  Sometimes you get a jolt of electricity sometimes you get the cheese.  But I do seem to have a lot of fun with it...so...

Here I am.
In BOONE NC
Working at a fun brewery that is about to blow up!
Feeling like I have community.
Theres a Farmers Market
Theres some great riding around here.
The people are really friendly.
The weather is spectacularly copricious
COME VISIT!!!!
And Im feeling home...

at least for now....
S.

6 month mark...

So I got to counting yesterday and it looks like the end of April marks the end of the 6 month mark for my time here in Boone.  Then I started laughing!!!!  In just under 6 month time I have managed to secure most of what I want, with a lot of connecting, and a lot of patience, but also with the kindness and openness of the community to which I now feel I am a part.

I was thinking back to November, alone in this space, not really knowing my flat mates, not really hearing from the friends that were already here, and not knowing what the spring might bring.  A lot of uncertainty is ok for a traveler like me, but the permanence of trying to root down here, and not knowing IF I would have the things I wanted was making me question the decision to stay.

I was thinking of late December - early January, when the temperatures dropped and I became dependent on a car, and even that was sketchy, the feeling of remoteness and of being alone starting to get me down.

I was thinking of February when despite the temps I started making connections.  Hell there was a week there when I went on like 5 dates!  Not bad for a small town like this.  Birthday months are always good to me.

Now its about to crest into May and I have Jesse coming for a 10 day visit to shred mountain bikes and get rad! I've Cousin making plans for a summertime visit, I have a great bike shop job and a dreamy job pulling pints at the only local brewery in town, I have a community outreach bike workshop to teach this weekend, I have invited to sit on a board and committee to help start a community bike share and bike kitchen program, I have bike rides for days right out my front door, a great mountain bike community of shredders, and empty country roads for miles and miles, I have a really great Lady Friend who looks at me from across the room like Im some kind of wonderful, the list of free stuff includes furniture, clothes, food, and 3 bikes to this point... the list of blessings just keeps getting longer...

When I made my original list of what I wanted from a town I kind of expected that I would come to a place that had everything I wanted up and running.  While Im not about to try to wrangle up a farmers market (good cause there already is one) I have found a few of the things I wanted missing from the experience thus far.  Turns out, up here in the High Country, if you dont see what it is you want, you go out and make it!  There are people who make their own dog food from road kill up here for fuck's sake!  Its a real Do It Yourself culture in the mountains of North Carolina and I think Im going to dig it!  Of course part of me wants to whine about the work it takes, but the craftsman in me is really happy to have the chance to see what I can do.  If you aint got what you need - just MAKE IT!

Being a tourist for the last 6 years has given me a lot of confidence in myself, that I can go anywhere and fit in.  But that assumes fitting in to what already exists.  NC is going to teach me how not only to fit back into my own culture, and to feel a sense of permanency, but to actually CREATE the things I want to see, to "be the change you want to see" as the inspirational poster suggests.

I feel very lucky to be right here right now.
And theres really no other place to be.

S.

running season....

no, NOT jogging, I mean running AWAY.

It has occurred to me lately, in the form of restless energy and a nagging unease about my soul, that this is usually the time of year that I pack my shit up and get moving towards the next seasonal gig.

In the last 6 years it has been my luck and pleasure to move freely about the country and indeed the world, to see those who are important to me, to make new friends along the way and to have the pleasure to go go go go...

But I also leave leave leave leave...  For as many arrivals, and as many surprise visits and reconnections I have had in the last few years I have had an equal number of departures, goodbyes, and tearful flights.  Usually in the spring and the fall, and usually with the thought that it would only be a little while before we would see each other again.  Plans, or at least an IDEA...

This settling down and staying put has been a challenge, and one that I was entirely up for.  But the Go-season is happening right now and Im feeling a little bored.  Im missing the adventure, the friends, the community, the rides of places I have been in the past and slightly limited by the high country weather when it comes to exploring where I am now.  And you KNOW how staying present in the moment is soooo tough for a nostalgic-planner-Pisces like me!

So Im trying.  Im drawing and writing and riding when I can, and trying not to obsess about being dependent on a car, and without the solid community I have had else where.  Im trying to build what I want and its true that I have some very unique opportunities coming up fast.  I just have to stay open to them, positive about the social group I do have, non-judgmental about where I am, and not keep peeking over that fence.

Its pretty green on this side too... Maybe a little water is all we need.
S.

Spring has arrived in the high country of my heart!

Round-n-round I go....

     Reassessing the rules by Winter,
     Fall a time to reflect
     keep, hide, throw-away
     a time to review what Summer un-learnt
   
     but Spring is NEW!
     rebirth
     stretch -up...
          a yawning of restless spirit
     I can go for days and days and days and days on Winter's rest!
     And Winter's lists?
          don't forget to.....
          its probably best NOT to.....
          remember this when it comes round knocking....
          and always....never....try not to....
   
ssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHPPP!!!!!!

A SUCKING OF FRESH AIR AND
   AN ESCAPING OF WINTERS DUST
      CLUTTER OF MIND AND HEART AND
         AS THE FIRST RUSH OF WARM
            SUNNY SPRING AIR WAFTS THROUGH
               OPEN DOORS...
                  OPEN MINDS...
                     OPEN EYES AND EARS AND HEARTS AND....
   
     Another open bottle! Spring is to be celebrated!
     The coming lessons of Summer
     be they same or new, old or different,
     will tell of Spring's antsy energetic twitch,
     and Autumn's lessons up for review,
     and Winter's guidelines will be out the window once more.

S.

prima la primavera...

Well two weeks went by relatively quickly for Olde Scotty Boy.  What with all the bridge clubs, senior citizens meetings, early suppers, and falling asleep in the middle of Matlock and Murder,She Wrote, time just zooms towards the grave after 40.

Yeah RIGHT!

My birthday week was full of great fun, innocent fun, adult fun, sledding fun with visiting friends, late night drinks, dinners of all sorts (including a fabulous date-night of overpriced watered-down cocktails at Applebees!) art galleries, talking, talking, talking, and finally yesterday some two wheel exploring.  PERFECT!

For those of you who have not heard of it before - and I myself after so many years on bikes have never heard ANYTHING about it, Virgina is the place to be!  And like me, its just barely over the hill! (ZING!!!)  Both the number and length of the Rails-to-Trails networks in this tiny beautiful state are impressive, with the newest being a 480 mile off road epic (foreshadowing)!  I rode the Virginia Creeper Trail from Damascus to Abingdon, about 18 miles (one way) of old unused railroad grade path through the Blue Ridge Mountains.  An absolutely beautiful day that ended in me talking to a cool shop right on the trail about helping with their busy summer tourist season.  So much for not working seasonal jobs right?!

With the sun coming out strong, the prospects of a second job doing what I value in a cool new place, and Loni forgiving me for the winter respite in our sometimes turbulent, always rewarding relationship, things are looking pretty good.  Feeling very confident in my ability to make sound decisions.  Here's a splash of trailside poetry to start the spring....

Prima La Primavera.

The pungent smell of sweetgrass

as warm air drifts and drafts up from the hillside below.

Rhythmic rackety-clackle...

   klakety-tak, 

        klakety-tak, 

             klakety-tak...

of old trail trestle under tires,

the last desperate patches of snow 

wither 

into swelling creeks below.

The wind whisper-shouts of coming spring

as the last of winter's leaves rattle amongst the trees.

A soft grumble-mumble of gravel as I 

coass

       ssss

            ssss

                 sssssst 

through this sunny day.

S.

Begin the Birthday Week

So... here we go.

40.
Fucking 40 man.  And I think its going to be a good week actually.

You know, nothing that I could have ever imagined, and with the return of all my journals, finally resting on one shelf together, there are readily accessible reminders of all the grandiose plans I have conjured up over the years for this big birthday... there was a Coastal California Bike Ride with my Favorite Dudes Idea, the Wedding in Italy Idea, the Lose a Knife Fight in Mexico Idea, the Spend the Year Fucking Off Idea, there was the Mountain of Cocaine and a Giant Party Idea... Ive fantasized about this week so much over the last few years, and yet never imagined I would be in a place like this.

Today I started the week with a nice breakfast alone - bacon.  Cause thats what real men eat for breakfast.  Then I sought out a local hike and abandoned the idea of staying warm or dry and slipped my way to the top of a local peak, Elk Knob, at 5500 feet for views of where I am calling home for now.  I laughed my ass off sliding down the service road in record time, came home to cook some food and I got myself a date with dollar-off beers all set for this evening.  Not a bad start. Not bad at all..

Of course there are other birthdays to celebrate this week.  My Man Brian Bogan is getting RAD in Cali right now and I wish him well.  My roomie Sarah (not Jessica) Parker is getting spoiled with a fancy cocktail and dinner at a local Hott Date Nite spot tomorrow for her b-day with flat mates. There is Alyssa Cookie Monster Koziol who rumor has it will be in Boone this weekend for the big night.

And I couldn't be happier!  I wish you all could be here with me, I wish I could be there with you all - but that is how this life of transient travel has unfolded, much to my surprise, and much to my pleasure.

This week I carry you all in my heart, for the journey you have shared with me to this point, for the beers we have spilled and the late night talks we have shared, and the ride we have been on together even though sometimes not in the same place.  A new friend of mine here in Boone has recently suffered the loss of someone close to her by their own hand.  It was a sharp reminder of how far I have come, and the empathy I can provide has not been squandered.  I dedicated my hike to her today as she grapples with all the feelings of loss.  And somewhere along the way my own personal loss has become my blessing, but more importantly, this journey is no longer about what I have lost, or left behind, but the immeasurable weight of all the love and kindness and goodness that I carry with me as I go.  That came from all of you, and I carry it with me, a smile hidden, to reach into my pocket of memory and enjoy when I need it.

Be well everybody,
I will be thinking of you,
pics to follow...

Olde Scotty del Norte