ANYWHERE!
Not just here but in any of my little black books.
Id like to say its because I have been KILLING IT at living, but the truth is my commitment to working as a form of identity, giving it my all, my over the top approach to new relationships, as well as the ease of using technology these days, to take photos, or make stupid little lists to keep my scatter-brained days in order, have all conspired against the classic need for a little Scott Time all to myself.
Too complicate things (as my brain LOVES to do) I have been looking over the fence again - thinking my life felt more stable, more active, more balanced at some other time, in some other place... usually Italy. I really had a major shift living that seasonal traveling life, and as much as I wanted to finally "just LIVE someplace for a while" as I had been saying the last year, now that I'm here....well.... I miss the traveling seasonal thing. The Fish of Emotion constantly chasing the Fish of Emotions... or was it the other way around...
Deeper we go...
Why do I miss it? It was too much work and not enough money! It was unstable and uncertain! I never felt like I truly belonged any one place, I never really wanted to stay past the changing of the leaves, and I never imagined I would stop exploring. Is my experience here in Boone any different though? I still work too much - I always have. Nothing is stable or certain in my life - EVER! and to start thinking so would only end in the harsh reminder that I am NOT in control of anything but my reactions. The social chameleon that I have grown to be means that I can act like I belong, but it has grown out of mostly feeling like I never really truly found my cultural niche. The job that I do purports to be achieving something socially wonderful for a community - and yet when I look around I only see people drinking beer. I'm starting to feel the change of season, and if its anything like the feelings of spring, I anticipate wanting to pack it all up and go - because that's the mental and physical memory I have of the past 6 years worth of seasonal changes. My life has ebbed and flowed with the seasons, and I don't mean that in some eloquent Walt Whitman prose - I simply mean I get itchy to go someplace new.
All these feelings subsided yesterday - in the way that they always have for me and my busy overactive mind...on a bike. I went for what I originally thought was going to be an easy ride, 300 feet of climbing out to a little cafe along a lazy river - a ride I truly love to do, and one I have done many times since last fall.
Then I saw a side road...and I got that pull. The pull I used to get in Italy, when my sense of adventure was at an all time high, that feeling that leaves me glowing at the end of a ride answering the question "where did you ride?" with the smiling simple answer "that way." I took a small side road that ended up being a dead end, but led me to the idea of riding a familiar road in an unfamiliar directions.
Baby steps
What transpired was amazing. Twisty paved descents, quiet country roads, pavement ends - turns to chunky gravel and dirt, climb, climb, climb... and more roads into town, through the green-way paths and quiet parks, bypassing the last hill to my house for a slow, steep, grassy creep up the back yard. Almost 2000 feet of climbing, and mostly on dirt without another soul around.
https://goo.gl/maps/AvPlz
And that was just the scenery. The mental landscape of the ride is where the REAL journey was - and always has been.
I thought of work for the first few minutes, and then it slipped away, somewhere in the huff of tired lungs, and rhythmic legs, and the crunch of tires on gravel, it simply disappeared.
I thought of Italy, of how much I loved those dirt roads, those long climbs, how much I rode, and how much I enjoyed getting lost. I thought naught of how much I missed it, but of how much it taught me about myself, and how I have been lazily doing mostly what I know in Boone. I thought of those days on a bike when I didn't know where I was going, or how long it would take, if I would make it out with enough food and water. Not being able to call for a ride in made the adventures a little frightening and a little exciting. I thought of how lazy I have become in Boone, with a car, and language, and money, and I shifted into a bigger cog and made my legs burn until I could not remember where I was going. A pang of fear; not enough water? or food? do I have a spare tube or patch kit? an unprepared ride after weeks of making plans and lists for everything else in life - and I'm back to feeling the confidence I left Italy with. Confidence in the only thing I know - that I really don't know!
Another Muscle Memory Remembered.
I thought of the women in my life - of course of my Mother, who I long to share with when my confidence is high, and whom I miss terribly when it is low. I thought of the relationships I have left behind, and the ones that took another road. I think of the ones who would have enjoyed a ride like this one, and the ones who were not patient enough or strong enough to make it.
I thought of Robin - In a short amount of time, and without anything more than a "natural" effort, she has understood me, who I am right now, and where I come from. She engages me on a mental and physical level that is unmatched by anything from my past. She is a thinker, and a do-er on a level I always hoped for in a friend, and so much more so as a lover, or girlfriend, or buddy, or special-lady-friend-person.... she is so much more I might have to make up a new word to refer to her!! In the amount of time it usually takes me to tire of a relationship, or to start seeing through it, and plan an escape - she and I have done so much together that I cannot WAIT for the next three months.... and the three months after that... and the three.... you get the idea. Most importantly she shared with me the little life equasion below:
APPRECIATIONS = a Happy UNbalanced life
expectations
Its a math equation that rings so much truth for me, piggy-backs on conceptual frameworks of my own searching for the ever-elusive balance....
I thought of where I have CHOSEN to be - in the high country of the Appalachian Mountains. It really is beautiful here. My comparative mind wants it to be my own private Romagna, La Mia Romagna Privata - and the more I get out and appreciate it - IT IS! I have the things I wanted from a community, from a small(ish) town in the lower 48 states. I have some bodies of water with amazing swimming holes to ride to. I have some flatter rides when I'm feeling lazy, and some steep climbs when I want to get lost for the day. I have friends, a good job that appreciates the work I have done in the past and the work I am doing now. I have the toys I want, and the means to get to and from the places I want to use them. I have a farmers market once a week, an art crawl once a month, and all the great coffee and cold beer I could want. I have a Lady who wants to show me some places I didn't know about, and to find some new ones together, a Lady who doesn't sit still long, who gets antsy in the pantsy to travel, and who is willing to take the risk of getting close to share it all with me.
Needless to say - by the end of the ride, APPRECIATIONS were, and remain at an ALL TIME HIGH!
Here are some pics... Bonus points if you can tell me which one is NOT Boone. One of them is Italy, a ride that felt, sounded, and did for me what yesterdays ride did here in NC.
Thanks for being a part of it in whatever way you are...
S.
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