Its no surprise to those close to me that the last few weeks has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least!  Super manic highs laughing at cracked jokes in the shop and giggling with friends in town, feeling connected to the people here, and crazy DARK lows, frustrated when things don't go smoothly, struggling with a deafening pain in my lower back, not riding as a result, and feeling stalked by death everywhere I look - dead birds, rodents, porcospinos, lizards dotting the farm-country bike rides.  Slowly day by day approaching the anniversary of my Mom's suicide and trying to stay even keeled has been an excruciating struggle, and trying to keep it private has been a sealed boiler on a steady flame.

But this weekend I had the chance to step out of my own wild ride and take an opportunity that presented itself to do something completely against my better judgement.  Which of course calls to questions the clarity of my own judgement.  Reaching for control over my personal surroundings, getting upset by items out of place, spacing out over the smallest details of the bike prepping, and freaking out when things defy reason or experience has been the only way I thought I could maintain.  But I have NOT maintained anything but a constant state of flux.  And completely relinquishing control over my plans, giving up on any new ideas, and taking the day as it truly creeps my way resulted in a saturday that instead of being a self defeated zero, wallowing in my own self pity and wishing for something different was a pleasureful day in the sun, on two wheels, near the seaside, swapping stories with someone I do not know, a sober, sobering day being open to anything, resulting in my expectations being completely blown away.

Saturday was an 11.

Not because I planned it, cause if I had planned an 11, I would have had to settle on a 7.  Saturday was an 11 not 'cause I tried to maintain control, not because I sought refuge in drink, or exhaustion, or crowds, or alone time, or even my own thoughts, but because I left it well enough alone.  Too often my ideas of a perfect day are so narrowly bracketed by my own parameters I fail to find the complete dynamism in a true day off, off from thinking, working, planning, or deciding. 

Flip a coin. Heads we go left. Tails we go right.  And if we go in circles all day try to notice something different. 

Let yourself go.  You might find something worth sharing.
S.