Sure, I had all the silly romantic notions when I left the states for Italy 7 months ago. I pictured vineyards and castles, sipping cappuccinos and listening to old men tell war stories at the corner cafe, rolling green foothills and big family kitchens, wine soaked eyes under shady Cyprus trees dripping heart shaped tears at the sheer luck of it all. I mean, who wouldn't, this is Italy! And with the fucked up year I had prior, leaving me on the brink of disastrous, nay, suicidal behaviours, this overtly christian land and the opportunity it possessed became my sacred vision of salvation in the preparatory months leading up to my departure. The castle-strewn hillsides crept into my subconscious slumbering thoughts before I even knew what to expect. But love? I never expected LOVE!? Not like this.
This ride has not been without its ups and downs, or the drama and passion only incited by a real pure love. There have been long aggressively silent days after fitful nights when I wanted out, alone, back to the solace of the open road I found so comforting a year ago. I wanted more Scott-Time, to think, to dream, to fantasize about the mediocre life I had before love came to town. Don't get me wrong, Ive loved before, deeply, committed and true. There was also a time in my life, living in the big city, I fall into less meaningful love every time I walked out my door; at the coffee shop, the record store, the thrift boutiques, the corner bodega, at the bar, my GOD the bartenders! But those, in hindsight, the kind of hindsight afforded this new glow of magnificence, were mere boyhood crushes and daydream butterflies, fluttery at best - flaky at worst. This new love is...well...I think its the one.
I know I know, you've heard all the rants against the concept of the one from this loud and opinionated mouth before. Arguments ranging from social ("its all just a myth to sell us blood diamonds and Hallmark cards!") to biological ("I just don't know if genetically or biologically we are
cut out for monogamy...") to political ("That's exactly what the machine wants us to do man, settle down have kids get complacent and in debt so we haven't the energy to rise up!") Jesus, what good a language barrier has done for that big boring mouth of mine. And perhaps you have all been just batting eyes and nodding heads, patting me on the back saying "there, there..." waiting for me to pull my head out of my ass. Thanks for being patient. I have arrived, through no easy blockades or barriers, to this feeling alone - without the social, cultural, political, or biological impulses and imperatives of my previous convictions. I have been living outside the social cultural milieu I have been raised in - and that's exactly what I needed. What I mean to say is that despite being extradited from most of my social and cultural compass points, in a country where I cant read the road hazard signs, much less "spit game" I am returning home head over heels smitten in love - with me.
Hold on...I know what you're thinking, "doesn't a true narcissist already love himself pretty well? Isn't that the point to the moniker? I, as a self proclaimed narcissist can answer this one...
NOOOO! To say a narcissist loves himself is like saying an ego maniac feels fulfilled on the inside, or that an extrovert must have
sooo many close personal friends. Remember that old song by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, "Tears of a Clown" (remade into a cool ska tune by the English Beat in 1979)
"if there's a smile on my face, its only there trying to fool the public..."We all know these cliches are mostly true, and Ive been most of them to a T. Ive been loud when I had nothing to say, friendly when I felt very much alone, and painted a smile on my face when I was hurting. No one begs more for love and yet is least apt to recognize it than a true narcissist. That's why the title of this post seemed so funny, why it seemed funny when I first penned it for a fake personal ad back in 2006. (The only one to answer that ad had a tattoo of a severed unicorn head under her arm...funny stuff.)
We've all heard the Dear Abbey line of advice to love ourselves first, that without that base how could we ever recognize it from or give it to another. My friends move quickly to the obvious "self-love" jokes then brush off. But a few women I know admit to taking what they simply called "time off" from dating, to not worry about playing those games I was so addicted to for so long. They all claimed to suffer fewer crappy relationships after this arbitrary time off, which I assumed was spent getting to know themselves a little better. Some of them even found the ONE after their little respite from the dating world. But I never put much stock in it. Till a job opportunity 5,561 miles (8954 km) from anything resembling home took me unaware right out and away from everyone I love.
Now salute if you must the technological world of friend-book and face-page or what have you. But Ive been more inclined towards face to face, as opposed to face to monitor interpersonal interactions my whole life. Sure the availability of such technology might have eased a few blows, but it would never be able to replace a high five or a hug. There is still something very necessary about the physical presence of friends that no technology will ever replace. And that's a good thing. It is what makes me long for my friends, its what I crave, and its whats been missing. Trying to find a suitable replacement has not only exhausted all options, but distilled down the very essence of what I value of my best friends into the funky sweet liquor that sits before me, the base ingredient of this potion called love.
In my friends I see the personal challenges and triumphs, trials and failures that reflect my own sensibilities and journey. In their eyes I see my own ups and downs, the things we have been through together, reflected through empathetic kindness and sometimes a swift kick in the ass. We share a history tantamount to most of the other relationships in our lives and it grows daily. Even through great changes we watch each other grow, sometimes closely and sometimes safely out of harm's way with fingers crossed, but we are always available. It is those traits I feel most reflected in another that I admire closely. I love my friends for the bits we share, the stories, the experience, the parts of "we," and the parts of them I can only hope one day to adopt. I love them for their extraneous differences because deep down we are so much alike. But what is that "deep down" bit...?
Ive been thinking a lot (duh) about what this "deep down" could be. Ive come up, or maybe down, to stick with the distillery metaphor, with this; VALUES. Shared Values. If you asked me a year ago what it is I value I would have looked at you with the same empty face I have when asking old Italian men at a cafe for directions across the Tuscan countryside, only with less enthusiasm. But if you had asked me why I was friends with Professor, or Taint-Boy, Anchor Girl, Clay Porter, Gorgeous Heather, Cousin, Jessie and his Big Dumb Bike, or Tammy and her Kids, I could have given you a list of reasons and a litany of funny anecdotes. Without being able to make new stories and anecdotes this summer, I have managed to understand more and more why these people are so important to me. We have similar Values. I love them for what we share. These values can be simple or complex - from a good joke, to the brevity with which they face the day, from the love they have and freely give, to the fact that they like bikes, or the innocence they possess. Not all of them share 100% of my personal values, but with all of them as friends 100% of my values are shared. That's a pretty fulfilling kind of love. Ive written before that the crux of romantic relationships for me has always been the idea that I want to be something to somebody I just cant handle being Everything to some One. Its nice to be something to these somebodies - but I have realized this summer that they (and so many more...) all together are everything to me. And in their physical absence, or should i say MY physical absence, I have had to appreciate, nurture, respect, and defend these values on my own, sometimes painting me into a corner so tight that all I emerge with is a strong
sense of what I truly Value.
This experience here in Italy has given me so much! Bike rides, new friends, international travel confidence, memories, pictures in my mind, landscapes to forever reminisce, stories stories stories, a few bucks and a new tattoo, but if I had to sum it up I would say this;
Spending so much time on my own, doing, seeing, living and breathing in the very essence of my personal values, slowing down to take it all in without the rush of a busy modern life, has allowed me to develop a deep sense of place in the world, a sense of self as a man, and a profound understanding of the love within, within me, but also within you!
Coming home with a big heart, a bigger thanks, ears to listen to stories of your summer pursuits, and ready to squeeze the living hell out of each and every one of you!
See you soon,
Scott
