It's Spring!  The second weekend in May in these Appalachian mountains is a time ripe with the sweet smells of newness; trees leaving out, wildflowers popping in purples, whites, and crimson reds, teams of lawn crews buzzing through every strip of grass, private and public.  I should be stretching and yawning, waking from winter to longer days, warmer nights, bigger adventures.  I should be sneezy, sorting gear, making lists, tuning neglected bikes, looking at maps, and generally excited.  But a darker fog hangs around this time of year.  I can be irritable, edgy, manic, and dark, sometimes all in the span of just a few hours.  My body feels tired even when I take it easy.  I feel hungry, even after binge eating my feelings.  I sleep a lot but don't feel rested.  I drink tons of water and still feel thirsty.  I feel pulled towards the bars to drink alone, grumbling to myself in a corner, feverishly writing in a cheap journal.  It's how it has been since 2009.

My mother died by suicide a few days before Mother’s Day in 2009, setting off a series of events that included a quickly stalled new relationship, a lost job, bike rides with wild and violent emotional outbursts, friendships tested - some failed and some forever fortified, and an eventual escape plan that included a single-speed mountain bike mounted to the back of a dual-sport motorcycle.  I left Fort Collins, Colorado, and roamed my way west, visiting and riding places I had only read about in magazines.  13 weeks sleeping outside, scrounging for food, riding till exhaustion, talking to myself in a closed moto helmet, sleeping in the dirt, and trying my best to understand the nebulous emotional states of grief.  I allowed myself the time and space to embrace every emotion as it came my way, to sob uncontrollably, to scream at clouds, and howl at stars all for as long and as loud as I needed.  And to be on two wheels every day.

Since then, and to some degree even prior, all of life’s most cathartic moments have found me on two wheels.  Every spring, as wildflowers bloom and the fields turn a new shade of brilliant green, my body begs me to get out!  Over the years, taking the time to celebrate my mothers memory, always on 2 wheels, always alone, has given me a way to chronicle the year, to mark a shit anniversary with something to look forward to.  It's given me all the joys of planning a “regular” bike overnighter, with the special grief-induced caveat that “if I forgot it, I never really needed it” a mantra I have kept for most adventures.  Previous Mother's Day weekends have included longer 3-day rides, long-ass Rail-Trail slogs that emptied my mind, car camping near trails with the shred-sled and too much beer, mostly though, just a simple overnighter will do.  This year, an ill planned last minute sub 24 hour on an old fav, cheap ramen, instant coffee, and my black marble scribbling book would have to do.  And yeah, I forgot something, my sleeping pad, and I didn't care.  Waking up at 2 am, realizing I slept on the chapstick in my pocket, gave me a chuckle of resiliency - I was going to make it through another year.

Preaching to the choir here.  We all know the power that being on 2 wheels holds for such moments in life.  When we need focus in a world of cheap distractions, or planning to bring us the illusion of control, or to match our mental pain with something physical, tangible, or getting lost to match an un-ruddered emotional state.  A break-up ride, a lost job ride, a silent ride in memorial of a fallen rider, hell even an anger management ride so hard and fast out of the gate, redlining heartrates till you forgot what pissed you off in the first place.  Ive had all of these, and there are probably more to come.  The bike transcends the toy of youth, or the fitness of cycling, and becomes a true transformative tool to help us live through life.  The rides bring clarity, restore balance, and can help formulate a healthy response in a single sitting.  The body DOES keep the score!  I know mine does, and this year it was rough.  After a couple of years where the pain of loss started to feel like it was receding, and that I was able to face the weekend with more empathy and kindness for others on a journey of grief, this year snuck up on me.  Monday, I was cranky and sore, Tuesday I slept through three alarms and didn't care, Wednesday, unmotivated, and by Thursday I was eating like an absolute shit-pig all day!  DAMNIT!  While the body keeps the score of the traumas it experiences, it also keeps score of how you deal with those, and this year was no different - I knew I needed to spin my wheels.  But what a great idea anyhow, I mean, it's Spring!  The second weekend in May in these Appalachian mountains is a time ripe with the sweet smells of newness; trees leaving out, wildflowers popping in purples, whites, and crimson reds….

Spring...(2016)

Written from the stoop of the Todd Mercantile while Neil Young's Harvest Moon slowly aches another heart towards spring...

I wept today.
Not for sadness, but for spring,
For the wave from a stranger passing by on a slow Sunday drive,
For the warmth of the sun in the crisp mountain air,
For a vain little bird skipping from parked car to parked car trying to climb into the side mirror of his own reflection,
For the twinkle of folk music from the grainy outdoor speakers at the Todd Mercantile,
For a warm cup of fresh coffee cradled in the sun half way through another great bike ride,
For the big fat bumble bee I share this stoop with, drying his wings and pumping his antennae ready for the work of spring.
I wept for the peace I feel here in the mountains of Western North Carolina,
For the friends I have made, and
For the Love I feel,
For the city-like apartment I call my home alone,
And for these rides of such ease to places forgotten by the hustle of the modern day.
I wept for the places I have seen, for the springs I have felt deep in my thawing soul of winter rest.
I wept for the loss, but much much more for the gains, for they have been too numerous to count!
I smile for what is to come, unknowable as it is,
And as surely as its shape is a Smile,
And its colour can only be Yellow,
I know in a part of me that has lived before that it will be Amazing, Happy, and full of Love.

I sit here nestled safely in these Blue Ridge Mountains
Erasing memories before they take
starting all fresh and new
with a smile as wide as the day was with love.
A comfort washes over me like I have not known in years
the peace and restfulness that comes from the smile of someone new
knowing that this will be home
and home will have its ups and downs,
that home will have its flirtatious flings
and home will have its tragic losses
that home has all the trappings of the summer sun - free in your body to explore
and the confines of the winter solstice, with nesting feelings. loneliness
and hot cocoa with too much whiskey in it.
Home has the parties and the sorrows
and I come to realize that home has always been with me
that it is the people who make it what it is for me
both the joys and the pains
the people I have attached to
as I did when I was a child
attached in love
to the friends I have made along the way
and the friends that were close enough to let me go
to the friends, lovers, and family that have all conspired to set me free
free from the constraints of a narrowly defined sence of place
and a belonging in a home away from home
allowing me to reach out
to step out
to venture out away from that which I have bonded
that which I have become so attached
to see the world
to collapse my heart around my biggest fears
and to come out unscathed
to those who have let me go
to those who have gone before me
to those who have allowed me the closeness
and to those who have allowed me the space
to those who were there and now are gone
and especially to those who are here and now
THANK YOU
for the love, for the heart, for the mind, for the freedom to take you all with me.
to carry you deep in my heart
some for a moment
some for ever
all becoming a part of who this life becomes with every sunrise
and who I want to be at every sunset.

S.

All wrapped now isn't it?
Nope.

The emotional roller coaster I thought was wrapping up was only just begun.
Has it ended?
Yup.
Am I in that old familiar place of wondering what the fuck went wrong, how I could have been more patient, and how I could have made minor adjustments to keep her?
Yup.
Am I another relationship older and probably more set in my opinions than ever before - Yup.
Do I still feel
The Right One's Will Get It.
Absofuckinglutely!!!

She got it for a summer, and into the fall.  And somewhere along the way, things changed, she retreated and in my own desperate way I chased her into running faster.  A lesson learned at the cost of more summertime adventures?
Maybe not...

They were the same old summertime adventures I have been having for years!
Only the names and faces of the folks I talk into joining me changes.
There have been overnight bike rides with Jesse, Dragoni and Anna, Ryan, Igor, Sara, Rob, Havilah, Lisa, Robin...
...and a ton of them by myself!!
The company is nice to have that's for sure - look back through the years of blog entries and you can see the adventures and the friends that shared them.

But MOST of them have been solo,
this whole lifestyle started as a way to deal with my Mom's suicide.
A journey I have only shared small bits and pieces with close friends, crossing paths but never really getting too deep into the emotional side of the anguish, the resentment, the fears, the guilt, and the sadness.
That's the Journey I have been hogging all to myself.

I got some healing to do for sure - but its not for the loss of love.
I'm STILL surrounded by love.
Re-connecting with this body of writing and pictures, this bag of memories forever archived on the web, has shown me that no matter where I have gone, across cultural and language barriers, across ages and social backgrounds, men women cats and dogs, I have always been surrounded by good spirits full of love.

Boone is that now.
Not the love of one
but the love of many.
Dinner with another spiritual thinker last Wednesday highlighted all the things this place will teach you about yourself.  Its a place to get insular - without running away.

As I sit here the owner of the Cafe asks a familiar questions;
"Hey Scott, are you working tonight..."
I say "Yeah you coming by for a pint?"
He and his lady say - "No man, we were hoping you would come bowling with us."

After waking with my mind in the past this morning,
I head into the second half of the day,
Two feet firmly on the ground in Boone
surrounded by the same old love I have always been full of.
A little ME time is exactly what I needed
and I'm gonna do what I always do with it - Share it!

call me....I'm free.
S.

Still the same old me I was when I got here....

Been quite a couple weeks.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
  waiting waiting waiting...
    waiting waiting waiting...

Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
  someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!

Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences

1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE

...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.

Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.

Fake Ass Bitches...

Before you turn away from what you thought was another late night rant, let me explain.

I have been witness to some really fake interactions as of late.  Not directed at me, but at someone I am very fond of, and someone whom I feel propelled to protect from time to time, even though she doesn't need it, someone I have an image of, an appreciation of that does not gel with what these false friends, and shitty acquaintances have felt they can get away with.  On top of that she is being reminded of times in the past when people said one thing and did another, when people showed their true flakey, distrustful, selfish selves and she was forced to believe them.

And its getting to me.

But Im trying to not let my own experiences be clouded by that.  At one time a good friend (who admittedly I have fallen out of contact with over the years) told me some of the best advice I could have taken at the time.  She said;

"When people show you who they really are - all you have to do is believe them."

At the time I put the emphasis on the word "ALL you have to do..." because I needed to excuse myself from becoming deeper and deeper involved in relationships that were not healthy or rewarding for me.  I had a tendency in those days (and still do to some degree) to fix things.  I guess its what made me a good wrench for all those years, but it wreaked havoc on my relationship conceptualization when I saw someone or some situation that was broken (not healthy) I would invest MORE energy into it, and my friend was trying to help me step away, invest LESS.  Since then, I have used the saying to help others do the same, and to excuse the passing people in my life I felt just did not need or deserve a big chunk of what I have to give as a friend, no matter for how long.

In short - it acts like a complete asshole - it probably is, and I already have an asshole thankyouverymuch!

Lately I find myself in situations where the people around me that I spend the bulk of my time with, be it work, or in passing, or those silly regular retail and commerce interactions where we find ourselves gravitating towards the same checker at the grocery store for even just a head-nod of familiarity, are all really decent folk. As far as I can tell...  The bar tenders I manage are GREAT! Respectful and hard working people who have developed a rapport that involves being able to bitch AND find solutions, as well as spend time outside of work with each other in a rewarding way.  I dig the people I work with and despite their collective younger age I am proud to be associated with them, to listen to them navigate their worlds, and to grow as we go.  I have a handful of folks I run into on a regular, at cafes and pubs, downtown and in neighboring communities that know me from the bar, recognize me, and we have decent cordial real interactions.  I even had an acquaintance recently very plainly and directly answer the question "How have you been? with the realest answer of the year - "Lonely and a little sad, but thanks for asking." An answer that prompted listeners to gasp, and for us to get really real for a minute - refreshingly so.  I dug Boone for so many reasons when I first got here just a little over a year ago - and one of those was how real people seemed to be, how genuine and honest, and friendly the bulk of strangers had been, and how easy it felt that I entered into a little mini world.

And my world continues to grow.  With more people, more diversity, and more interactions now that another busy summer rests under a blanket of fall, I wish I could say that I have ONLY met more of the same good folks, but that would not be entirely true.  As it turns out, there are selfish backstabbers, flakes, rats, weasels, bitches, fakes, phonies, punks, and insecure little dick-swingers everywhere.  There are people who lie to your face, who will walk on people to get what they want, who are more interested in power than people, and who scheme behind your back while smiling in your face.

Good thing its a small percentage of the world, and really really good thing that I have built up enough tolerance, recognition, and a mini wall for dealing with it.

(If nothing else, there are hip hop albums like Dre's 2001, and Jay-Z's The Blueprint to get you through it all...)

"When people show you who they really are, all you have to do is believe them."
How bout the emphasis on "all you HAVE TO DO is believe them."
What if you want to do more, say to protect yourself, or to reward those who showed you exactly what you wanted to see in them.  Last week I wrote in my journal about just that!

Two weeks ago I found myself cornered at work again!  Same old same old... threatening work ethic I suppose.  But I needed to re-evaluate and I transitioned from feeling bitter about bosses and colleagues who are once again questioning what they get for the measly time cards I turned in, to appreciating the super star bartenders I manage and work side by side with interacting with great customers who put tip money in our pockets so we can live here.  I managed to take the attention off the relationships that are NOT rewarding and onto the ones that are and came up with the following:

When people show you who they really are all you have  to do is believe them.
If they show you what you had hoped - celebrate them,
If they show you more than what you expected - reward them,
If they show you what you want - give back ten fold,
If they show you positivity - pull them closer,
If they show you negativity - let them be.

This Sunday Robin and I are doing something neither of us would have ever thought - we are going to church.  Not for the dogmatic religious bullshit, but for the community.  We are hopeful that at least on the surface, and according with what I feel is traditional "churchy" ethics, we probably wont find any fake ass bitches there.  At least not on the first trip.  We are searching for community, people our age, who want to surround themselves with something positive, encouraging, and supportive the a small(ish) community of Boone.  Its a Unitarian church so the pan-religious offerings should be at the very least interesting to a critical consumer of information like myself.  At best, we will find what we have both as of late felt was lacking, a real sense of community.

I hear they have pretty good free coffee at 10:30.
And you KNOW I'll show up if there are free consumables!

S.

Appreciations (over) Expectations

Been a nice long while since I've written anything...
ANYWHERE!

Not just here but in any of my little black books.

Id like to say its because I have been KILLING IT at living, but the truth is my commitment to working as a form of identity, giving it my all, my over the top approach to new relationships, as well as the ease of using technology these days, to take photos, or make stupid little lists to keep my scatter-brained days in order, have all conspired against the classic need for a little Scott Time all to myself.

Too complicate things (as my brain LOVES to do) I have been looking over the fence again - thinking my life felt more stable, more active, more balanced at some other time, in some other place... usually Italy.  I really had a major shift living that seasonal traveling life, and as much as I wanted to finally "just LIVE someplace for a while" as I had been saying the last year, now that I'm here....well.... I miss the traveling seasonal thing.  The Fish of Emotion constantly chasing the Fish of Emotions... or was it the other way around...

Deeper we go...

Why do I miss it?  It was too much work and not enough money!  It was unstable and uncertain!  I never felt like I truly belonged any one place, I never really wanted to stay past the changing of the leaves, and I never imagined I would stop exploring.  Is my experience here in Boone any different though?  I still work too much - I always have.  Nothing is stable or certain in my life - EVER! and to start thinking so would only end in the harsh reminder that I am NOT in control of anything but my reactions.  The social chameleon that I have grown to be means that I can act like I belong, but it has grown out of mostly feeling like I never really truly found my cultural niche.  The job that I do purports to be achieving something socially wonderful for a community - and yet when I look around I only see people drinking beer.  I'm starting to feel the change of season, and if its anything like the feelings of spring, I anticipate wanting to pack it all up and go - because that's the mental and physical memory I have of the past 6 years worth of seasonal changes. My life has ebbed and flowed with the seasons, and I don't mean that in some eloquent Walt Whitman prose - I simply mean I get itchy to go someplace new.

All these feelings subsided yesterday - in the way that they always have for me and my busy overactive mind...on a bike.  I went for what I originally thought was going to be an easy ride, 300 feet of climbing out to a little cafe along a lazy river - a ride I truly love to do, and one I have done many times since last fall.

Then I saw a side road...and I got that pull.  The pull I used to get in Italy, when my sense of adventure was at an all time high, that feeling that leaves me glowing at the end of a ride answering the question "where did you ride?" with the smiling simple answer "that way."  I took a small side road that ended up being a dead end, but led me to the idea of riding a familiar road in an unfamiliar directions.

Baby steps

What transpired was amazing.  Twisty paved descents, quiet country roads, pavement ends - turns to chunky gravel and dirt, climb, climb, climb... and more roads into town, through the green-way paths and quiet parks, bypassing the last hill to my house for a slow, steep, grassy creep up the back yard.  Almost 2000 feet of climbing, and mostly on dirt without another soul around.

https://goo.gl/maps/AvPlz


And that was just the scenery.  The mental landscape of the ride is where the REAL journey was - and always has been.

I thought of work for the first few minutes, and then it slipped away, somewhere in the huff of tired lungs, and rhythmic legs, and the crunch of tires on gravel, it simply disappeared.

I thought of Italy, of how much I loved those dirt roads, those long climbs, how much I rode, and how much I enjoyed getting lost.  I thought naught of how much I missed it, but of how much it taught me about myself, and how I have been lazily doing mostly what I know in Boone.  I thought of those days on a bike when I didn't know where I was going, or how long it would take, if I would make it out with enough food and water.  Not being able to call for a ride in made the adventures a little frightening and a little exciting.  I thought of how lazy I have become in Boone, with a car, and language, and money, and I shifted into a bigger cog and made my legs burn until I could not remember where I was going.  A pang of fear; not enough water? or food?  do I have a spare tube or patch kit? an unprepared ride after weeks of making plans and lists for everything else in life - and I'm back to feeling the confidence I left Italy with.  Confidence in the only thing I know - that I really don't know!

Another Muscle Memory Remembered.

I thought of the women in my life - of course of my Mother, who I long to share with when my confidence is high, and whom I miss terribly when it is low.  I thought of the relationships I have left behind, and the ones that took another road.  I think of the ones who would have enjoyed a ride like this one, and the ones who were not patient enough or strong enough to make it.

I thought of Robin - In a short amount of time, and without anything more than a "natural" effort, she has understood me, who I am right now, and where I come from.  She engages me on a mental and physical level that is unmatched by anything from my past.  She is a thinker, and a do-er on a level I always hoped for in a friend, and so much more so as a lover, or girlfriend, or buddy, or special-lady-friend-person.... she is so much more I might have to make up a new word to refer to her!!  In the amount of time it usually takes me to tire of a relationship, or to start seeing through it, and plan an escape - she and I have done so much together that I cannot WAIT for the next three months.... and the three months after that... and the three.... you get the idea.  Most importantly she shared with me the little life equasion below:

APPRECIATIONS   = a Happy UNbalanced life
    expectations



Its a math equation that rings so much truth for me, piggy-backs on conceptual frameworks of my own searching for the ever-elusive balance....

I thought of where I have CHOSEN to be - in the high country of the Appalachian Mountains.  It really is beautiful here.  My comparative mind wants it to be my own private Romagna, La Mia Romagna Privata - and the more I get out and appreciate it - IT IS!  I have the things I wanted from a community, from a small(ish) town in the lower 48 states.  I have some bodies of water with amazing swimming holes to ride to.  I have some flatter rides when I'm feeling lazy, and some steep climbs when I want to get lost for the day.  I have friends, a good job that appreciates the work I have done in the past and the work I am doing now.  I have the toys I want, and the means to get to and from the places I want to use them.  I have a farmers market once a week, an art crawl once a month, and all the great coffee and cold beer I could want.  I have a Lady who wants to show me some places I didn't know about, and to find some new ones together, a Lady who doesn't sit still long, who gets antsy in the pantsy to travel, and who is willing to take the risk of getting close to share it all with me.

Needless to say - by the end of the ride, APPRECIATIONS were, and remain at an ALL TIME HIGH!

Here are some pics... Bonus points if you can tell me which one is NOT Boone.  One of them is Italy, a ride that felt, sounded, and did for me what yesterdays ride did here in NC.

Thanks for being a part of it in whatever way you are...
S.

Spring brings change and growth...

But This aint about flowers growing in your raised bed urban gardens. 
This is about SUN! 
This is also about changes of attitude, changes in latitude.
This aint no cheeseburger in paradise.

This is life, the constant evolution, revolution, of it all.
ALL.

You have a conversation with a fun new job one day - about how you wish you could do more but you have another job comitment, and in June you will make yourself more available...

The next day that other commitment fires you by TEXT!?
I wish you could hear my laughter - TEXT!?  Yeah, the millineals are now in charge. they are setting the norm for how its done.  And its done by text.

I spent the last week shredding with one of the Top 5!  And to be honest, hes pretty damn far up there!  Jesse Huselid and I have been on all kinds of bike, in all kinds of places.  He has driven me to airports at ungodly hours, and bought the first rounds when I landed.  He has scooped me up when I was drunk and picked me up when I was sad.  Hes a TRUE FRIEND!  Hes also a wicked smart dude, who is in the midst of changes himself, graduating with another degree and entering into full on work world with fancy clothes and a commute and everything and I could not be more proud of him. 

This past week we shredded on mountain bikes all over Appalachia and I can honestly say that having him here to explore some new trails together makes me really feel like this could be HOME.

WHAT!?!?!

Is Olde Scotty Boy gonna settle down?  Who knows.  I did by an ice cube tray at the thrift store today, that could be a sign of things to come... but I do know that spring has brought the changes I needed to see happen to consider this place home for a bit.  Im no longer working the shitty underpaid bike shop jobs of the past, where my skills and experience are undervalued and underpaid.  I turned my back on beer jobs in 2009 when I thought it just wasnt going to do it for me, and bikes have allowed me to travel all over the world.  But bike jobs always came with the stress of under-appreciated hard working hours and ultimately abandonment in the end for some reason related to the fact that my energy is not for the typical bike shop owner, and my mouth is not needed as much as my hands and back.

Im working at Appalachian Mountain Brewery, and after my resume was passed around from brew-house, to tap room, and after I was fought over for that first big weekend of events, after being asked by customers 4 out of 5 shifts if I was the owner (even right in front of the actual owner one time!) and after my enthusiasm, knowledge, work history, and ethic has been discussed by decision makers as something to retain, I'm feeling like I have again not just turned towards the beer industry, but have received the recognition I deserve and a chance to thrive in an environment that fits who I have become.

Now dont go thinking this is some kind of "Return of HANK" cause I am certainly NOT the same dude I was in 2009.  I have also learned a lot of good lessons.  Im STILL learning lessons, what works in any particular situation and what does not in another... its a tricky world to navigate out there.  Sometimes you get a jolt of electricity sometimes you get the cheese.  But I do seem to have a lot of fun with it...so...

Here I am.
In BOONE NC
Working at a fun brewery that is about to blow up!
Feeling like I have community.
Theres a Farmers Market
Theres some great riding around here.
The people are really friendly.
The weather is spectacularly copricious
COME VISIT!!!!
And Im feeling home...

at least for now....
S.

6 month mark...

So I got to counting yesterday and it looks like the end of April marks the end of the 6 month mark for my time here in Boone.  Then I started laughing!!!!  In just under 6 month time I have managed to secure most of what I want, with a lot of connecting, and a lot of patience, but also with the kindness and openness of the community to which I now feel I am a part.

I was thinking back to November, alone in this space, not really knowing my flat mates, not really hearing from the friends that were already here, and not knowing what the spring might bring.  A lot of uncertainty is ok for a traveler like me, but the permanence of trying to root down here, and not knowing IF I would have the things I wanted was making me question the decision to stay.

I was thinking of late December - early January, when the temperatures dropped and I became dependent on a car, and even that was sketchy, the feeling of remoteness and of being alone starting to get me down.

I was thinking of February when despite the temps I started making connections.  Hell there was a week there when I went on like 5 dates!  Not bad for a small town like this.  Birthday months are always good to me.

Now its about to crest into May and I have Jesse coming for a 10 day visit to shred mountain bikes and get rad! I've Cousin making plans for a summertime visit, I have a great bike shop job and a dreamy job pulling pints at the only local brewery in town, I have a community outreach bike workshop to teach this weekend, I have invited to sit on a board and committee to help start a community bike share and bike kitchen program, I have bike rides for days right out my front door, a great mountain bike community of shredders, and empty country roads for miles and miles, I have a really great Lady Friend who looks at me from across the room like Im some kind of wonderful, the list of free stuff includes furniture, clothes, food, and 3 bikes to this point... the list of blessings just keeps getting longer...

When I made my original list of what I wanted from a town I kind of expected that I would come to a place that had everything I wanted up and running.  While Im not about to try to wrangle up a farmers market (good cause there already is one) I have found a few of the things I wanted missing from the experience thus far.  Turns out, up here in the High Country, if you dont see what it is you want, you go out and make it!  There are people who make their own dog food from road kill up here for fuck's sake!  Its a real Do It Yourself culture in the mountains of North Carolina and I think Im going to dig it!  Of course part of me wants to whine about the work it takes, but the craftsman in me is really happy to have the chance to see what I can do.  If you aint got what you need - just MAKE IT!

Being a tourist for the last 6 years has given me a lot of confidence in myself, that I can go anywhere and fit in.  But that assumes fitting in to what already exists.  NC is going to teach me how not only to fit back into my own culture, and to feel a sense of permanency, but to actually CREATE the things I want to see, to "be the change you want to see" as the inspirational poster suggests.

I feel very lucky to be right here right now.
And theres really no other place to be.

S.

running season....

no, NOT jogging, I mean running AWAY.

It has occurred to me lately, in the form of restless energy and a nagging unease about my soul, that this is usually the time of year that I pack my shit up and get moving towards the next seasonal gig.

In the last 6 years it has been my luck and pleasure to move freely about the country and indeed the world, to see those who are important to me, to make new friends along the way and to have the pleasure to go go go go...

But I also leave leave leave leave...  For as many arrivals, and as many surprise visits and reconnections I have had in the last few years I have had an equal number of departures, goodbyes, and tearful flights.  Usually in the spring and the fall, and usually with the thought that it would only be a little while before we would see each other again.  Plans, or at least an IDEA...

This settling down and staying put has been a challenge, and one that I was entirely up for.  But the Go-season is happening right now and Im feeling a little bored.  Im missing the adventure, the friends, the community, the rides of places I have been in the past and slightly limited by the high country weather when it comes to exploring where I am now.  And you KNOW how staying present in the moment is soooo tough for a nostalgic-planner-Pisces like me!

So Im trying.  Im drawing and writing and riding when I can, and trying not to obsess about being dependent on a car, and without the solid community I have had else where.  Im trying to build what I want and its true that I have some very unique opportunities coming up fast.  I just have to stay open to them, positive about the social group I do have, non-judgmental about where I am, and not keep peeking over that fence.

Its pretty green on this side too... Maybe a little water is all we need.
S.

Spring has arrived in the high country of my heart!

Round-n-round I go....

     Reassessing the rules by Winter,
     Fall a time to reflect
     keep, hide, throw-away
     a time to review what Summer un-learnt
   
     but Spring is NEW!
     rebirth
     stretch -up...
          a yawning of restless spirit
     I can go for days and days and days and days on Winter's rest!
     And Winter's lists?
          don't forget to.....
          its probably best NOT to.....
          remember this when it comes round knocking....
          and always....never....try not to....
   
ssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHPPP!!!!!!

A SUCKING OF FRESH AIR AND
   AN ESCAPING OF WINTERS DUST
      CLUTTER OF MIND AND HEART AND
         AS THE FIRST RUSH OF WARM
            SUNNY SPRING AIR WAFTS THROUGH
               OPEN DOORS...
                  OPEN MINDS...
                     OPEN EYES AND EARS AND HEARTS AND....
   
     Another open bottle! Spring is to be celebrated!
     The coming lessons of Summer
     be they same or new, old or different,
     will tell of Spring's antsy energetic twitch,
     and Autumn's lessons up for review,
     and Winter's guidelines will be out the window once more.

S.

prima la primavera...

Well two weeks went by relatively quickly for Olde Scotty Boy.  What with all the bridge clubs, senior citizens meetings, early suppers, and falling asleep in the middle of Matlock and Murder,She Wrote, time just zooms towards the grave after 40.

Yeah RIGHT!

My birthday week was full of great fun, innocent fun, adult fun, sledding fun with visiting friends, late night drinks, dinners of all sorts (including a fabulous date-night of overpriced watered-down cocktails at Applebees!) art galleries, talking, talking, talking, and finally yesterday some two wheel exploring.  PERFECT!

For those of you who have not heard of it before - and I myself after so many years on bikes have never heard ANYTHING about it, Virgina is the place to be!  And like me, its just barely over the hill! (ZING!!!)  Both the number and length of the Rails-to-Trails networks in this tiny beautiful state are impressive, with the newest being a 480 mile off road epic (foreshadowing)!  I rode the Virginia Creeper Trail from Damascus to Abingdon, about 18 miles (one way) of old unused railroad grade path through the Blue Ridge Mountains.  An absolutely beautiful day that ended in me talking to a cool shop right on the trail about helping with their busy summer tourist season.  So much for not working seasonal jobs right?!

With the sun coming out strong, the prospects of a second job doing what I value in a cool new place, and Loni forgiving me for the winter respite in our sometimes turbulent, always rewarding relationship, things are looking pretty good.  Feeling very confident in my ability to make sound decisions.  Here's a splash of trailside poetry to start the spring....

Prima La Primavera.

The pungent smell of sweetgrass

as warm air drifts and drafts up from the hillside below.

Rhythmic rackety-clackle...

   klakety-tak, 

        klakety-tak, 

             klakety-tak...

of old trail trestle under tires,

the last desperate patches of snow 

wither 

into swelling creeks below.

The wind whisper-shouts of coming spring

as the last of winter's leaves rattle amongst the trees.

A soft grumble-mumble of gravel as I 

coass

       ssss

            ssss

                 sssssst 

through this sunny day.

S.

Begin the Birthday Week

So... here we go.

40.
Fucking 40 man.  And I think its going to be a good week actually.

You know, nothing that I could have ever imagined, and with the return of all my journals, finally resting on one shelf together, there are readily accessible reminders of all the grandiose plans I have conjured up over the years for this big birthday... there was a Coastal California Bike Ride with my Favorite Dudes Idea, the Wedding in Italy Idea, the Lose a Knife Fight in Mexico Idea, the Spend the Year Fucking Off Idea, there was the Mountain of Cocaine and a Giant Party Idea... Ive fantasized about this week so much over the last few years, and yet never imagined I would be in a place like this.

Today I started the week with a nice breakfast alone - bacon.  Cause thats what real men eat for breakfast.  Then I sought out a local hike and abandoned the idea of staying warm or dry and slipped my way to the top of a local peak, Elk Knob, at 5500 feet for views of where I am calling home for now.  I laughed my ass off sliding down the service road in record time, came home to cook some food and I got myself a date with dollar-off beers all set for this evening.  Not a bad start. Not bad at all..

Of course there are other birthdays to celebrate this week.  My Man Brian Bogan is getting RAD in Cali right now and I wish him well.  My roomie Sarah (not Jessica) Parker is getting spoiled with a fancy cocktail and dinner at a local Hott Date Nite spot tomorrow for her b-day with flat mates. There is Alyssa Cookie Monster Koziol who rumor has it will be in Boone this weekend for the big night.

And I couldn't be happier!  I wish you all could be here with me, I wish I could be there with you all - but that is how this life of transient travel has unfolded, much to my surprise, and much to my pleasure.

This week I carry you all in my heart, for the journey you have shared with me to this point, for the beers we have spilled and the late night talks we have shared, and the ride we have been on together even though sometimes not in the same place.  A new friend of mine here in Boone has recently suffered the loss of someone close to her by their own hand.  It was a sharp reminder of how far I have come, and the empathy I can provide has not been squandered.  I dedicated my hike to her today as she grapples with all the feelings of loss.  And somewhere along the way my own personal loss has become my blessing, but more importantly, this journey is no longer about what I have lost, or left behind, but the immeasurable weight of all the love and kindness and goodness that I carry with me as I go.  That came from all of you, and I carry it with me, a smile hidden, to reach into my pocket of memory and enjoy when I need it.

Be well everybody,
I will be thinking of you,
pics to follow...

Olde Scotty del Norte

looky here...

Last post June 22... thats 230 days since my last post... where to begin.

First off, I missed you.  Its true.  This life of Dynamic Quality, of seasonal travel and abandoned expectations leaves a fella craving what little he has in the way of Static Quality - and that has been my friends.  As much as my personal feeling is that most of today's technology is making us LESS social, I have begun the slow process of embracing how it can keep us connected.  It will never be a replacement for a pint at the corner bar, or a coffee date with a loved one, or being able to place a hand on the shoulder of a friend in celebration, commiseration or empathy, but being able to quickly share a picture, a note, a kind uplifting word, or a story has relieved me during a tough transition.

The summer, as you all know was a bit of a disaster - with choices on my part being not very well thought out, definitely selfishly motivated, and with consequences that had me weary of the people that would have otherwise probably been good friends.  I left alaska with hope in my eyes, but knowing it would be a short spell of peace before ratcheting myself towards the unfamiliar facing the challenge to once again adapt and build something new.

We love what we are good at and are good at what we love.

Enter Boone North Carolina.  A small college town nestled in the high country of the Appalachian Mountains, bisected by the Blue Ridge, surrounded by The Pisgah, and full of interesting and kind southern folk.  Its been a tough transition worrying about finding work, staying warm, being mobile by bike in the winter, and making new friends as a single dude who is a bit out of the typical age profile of the general body politik.  Being a truer, kinder, more humble and open version of my typical presenting face has lent me the return ears and kindness of a bunch of solid folks and in no time I have procured immediate friends, future employment, a borrowed bike to shred, a freakin car to go explore and stay warm, an empathetic ear, hearts with stories to share, doggies to pet, and even a regular adult date or two.

Essentially, and in a very short time here I have found what I have been hoping for - Community.

And I want to share it with those who have been critical in helping me stay positive and happily loved as I have made my way here.  You know who you are (cause this blog is still invite only!  wink wink) and its with a very heartfelt toast, a pint or something stronger in the air, I salute my friends and loved ones and pledge to try to share as much of this as I can once again.  My journey is by no means slowing down, nor is my conviction to keep going becoming weakened.

I have been working on some art again, and its a daily event for me to sip my coffee and draw, confined within a circle, my personal Mandala for the day.  Its a type of ancient way of organizing your own personal cosmos, and Im sure there are art-therapists a-plenty out there that would have a field day with how many phallic and yonic symbols touch the pages in my little experiment, but suffice to say that this morning, after a particularly amorous St. Valentard's weekend and 5 days off to get into the usual trouble, I sat wishing that I could simply write the names of all my favorite people in that circle.

It would be a circle too grand to grace any notebook - and that makes me so happy!!

Its you who keep me going, and its going to be fun to add to that list as I go.  Maybe someday our circles will all overlap on some astral plane and we can toast the stories we share.  Until then, keep living, keep smiling, keep loving your ballz off, and feel free to shoot me a note, or ring me up with a story or heartache.

I love you.
Scotito Del Nord (Nord Carolina that is...)

bacio bacio!

AK so far...

So a blind bull moose walks into a bar and sits down to have another pint of everclear...
He asks the bartender is he would like to hear a joke about ptarmigans.
The bartender says "Sure, but I should warn you - Im a ptarmigan."
The Blind Bullmose thinks about it for a second and asks, "Well are there any other ptarmigans in here right now?"
The bartender says, "Yeah, there are two sitting right behind you, but we have a pretty good sense of humor, you can tell your joke if you like."
The Blind Bullmoose thinks for a second and says, "No Thanks, I dont want to have to explain the punchline three times."

And thats the story of how Brother Crow, in the time before the white man, made the ptarmigan sooooo STUPID!

Alaska So Far....

northern Lights, on their sides...turn head to left for full trippy effect.

More on the way, as soon as I figure ut this phone that takes amazing photos...
S

First Entry from Skagway

 Journal Entry from earlier today sitting on the rocks overlooking the bay, mid-day sun and peaceful calm... not a bad way to start the season...

13. April. 2014. Skagway, Yaukatania Point.
WOW.
White peaks, forests a brackish dark green brown, cold emerald waters gently lapping against the cold still granite bay.
And silence.
An occasional squal of seabird, and the very faraway hum of an approaching ferry. 
A few "Welcome back!"'s and at least one "Welcome HOME."
Home - a sometimes brutal idea that eludes my wary searching travels.
 
Did I mention sun?  Cause its out today, and Im warmed by its lazy gaze.
Silver striations wrestle greens as light and a gentle breeze dance on these peaceful waters.

A Place with a lot of memories in a short enough space of time that they are sometimes inextricably collapsed, piled on one another causing the starts and ends to overlap a foggy blur.
A collection of left overs,
Un wrapped,
Un boxed,
Read. 
And Im in awe with another passing year. 
How dare I claim sloth or boredom. 
How about just a day of peace. 
A day to just BE. 
All this living can make a man tire. (laughs to self)

Excitement for the next 5.5 months;
the people
the work
the stories
the laughs
the challenges
the loves
the bodies
the nature
the nurture
the faces
the parties
the solitude
the noise and the quiet...
The Adventure.

I can no longer claim a desire, even a fleeting want, for the stability and routine of a static life.
This is Dynamism.
This is my Life.
Welcome back.
Welcome home.

FMMMR - WKND Edition

With all the building tensions of staying with my once estranged family, witnessing first hand the truth of a situation I want to distance myself from once again, on top of the tensions of transitions as I move away from Florida, and on to California for a couple weeks, then settle again for a stint up in Alaska, I have, needless to say, been slowly creeping up on the verge of a melt down.  Songs from the past exacerbate the situation - leaving me feeling like one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, drinks after work only provide a haze through which I can still make out the shape of trouble to come, and the gravity of a big full moon pulling my mind skyward, it was time to break out the gear and spin my wheels, meet that FULL MOON head on with a smile and a hug....

FMMMR - WKND Edition (Full Moon Madness Midnight Ramble - Weekend Edition)....voila.

mountain biking with Fireman Sean (actually a paramedic)

FINALLY!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Then off to the beach for an full moon overnight camp.

 



HUGE wild beach tortoise



FINALLY (part II)



egg sack from a skate, relative of manta rays

florida has castles too

 

yeah you!  You fucker... come here and give us a little love eh?

how I missed your stupid face and bad advice...

late night visitors

sunrise

 

Of course after only a couple hours of being back I can feel the stress levels start to creep up again.  But I can meet it head on, with a clear mind, and a strong set of personal values.  With all the lying these two do to each other and themselves, not to mention me, I choose not to offer my point of view and have started preparing to leave.  If nothing else this short visit with the shadowy fragments of my family have shown me how far I have really been, how much I have seen, the power of the truth in both relationships and in the personal truths of the choices we make and live with.  The whole experience has pushed me even more readily, more steadfastly, and more securely into what ever is ahead of me.  Its been a journey for sure, and its not stopping now. 

 

See you soon,

S