Written from the stoop of the Todd Mercantile while Neil Young's Harvest Moon slowly aches another heart towards spring...
I wept today.
Not for sadness, but for spring,
For the wave from a stranger passing by on a slow Sunday drive,
For the warmth of the sun in the crisp mountain air,
For a vain little bird skipping from parked car to parked car trying to climb into the side mirror of his own reflection,
For the twinkle of folk music from the grainy outdoor speakers at the Todd Mercantile,
For a warm cup of fresh coffee cradled in the sun half way through another great bike ride,
For the big fat bumble bee I share this stoop with, drying his wings and pumping his antennae ready for the work of spring.
I wept for the peace I feel here in the mountains of Western North Carolina,
For the friends I have made, and
For the Love I feel,
For the city-like apartment I call my home alone,
And for these rides of such ease to places forgotten by the hustle of the modern day.
I wept for the places I have seen, for the springs I have felt deep in my thawing soul of winter rest.
I wept for the loss, but much much more for the gains, for they have been too numerous to count!
I smile for what is to come, unknowable as it is,
And as surely as its shape is a Smile,
And its colour can only be Yellow,
I know in a part of me that has lived before that it will be Amazing, Happy, and full of Love.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
I sit here nestled safely in these Blue Ridge Mountains
Erasing memories before they take
starting all fresh and new
with a smile as wide as the day was with love.
A comfort washes over me like I have not known in years
the peace and restfulness that comes from the smile of someone new
knowing that this will be home
and home will have its ups and downs,
that home will have its flirtatious flings
and home will have its tragic losses
that home has all the trappings of the summer sun - free in your body to explore
and the confines of the winter solstice, with nesting feelings. loneliness
and hot cocoa with too much whiskey in it.
Home has the parties and the sorrows
and I come to realize that home has always been with me
that it is the people who make it what it is for me
both the joys and the pains
the people I have attached to
as I did when I was a child
attached in love
to the friends I have made along the way
and the friends that were close enough to let me go
to the friends, lovers, and family that have all conspired to set me free
free from the constraints of a narrowly defined sence of place
and a belonging in a home away from home
allowing me to reach out
to step out
to venture out away from that which I have bonded
that which I have become so attached
to see the world
to collapse my heart around my biggest fears
and to come out unscathed
to those who have let me go
to those who have gone before me
to those who have allowed me the closeness
and to those who have allowed me the space
to those who were there and now are gone
and especially to those who are here and now
THANK YOU
for the love, for the heart, for the mind, for the freedom to take you all with me.
to carry you deep in my heart
some for a moment
some for ever
all becoming a part of who this life becomes with every sunrise
and who I want to be at every sunset.
S.
Erasing memories before they take
starting all fresh and new
with a smile as wide as the day was with love.
A comfort washes over me like I have not known in years
the peace and restfulness that comes from the smile of someone new
knowing that this will be home
and home will have its ups and downs,
that home will have its flirtatious flings
and home will have its tragic losses
that home has all the trappings of the summer sun - free in your body to explore
and the confines of the winter solstice, with nesting feelings. loneliness
and hot cocoa with too much whiskey in it.
Home has the parties and the sorrows
and I come to realize that home has always been with me
that it is the people who make it what it is for me
both the joys and the pains
the people I have attached to
as I did when I was a child
attached in love
to the friends I have made along the way
and the friends that were close enough to let me go
to the friends, lovers, and family that have all conspired to set me free
free from the constraints of a narrowly defined sence of place
and a belonging in a home away from home
allowing me to reach out
to step out
to venture out away from that which I have bonded
that which I have become so attached
to see the world
to collapse my heart around my biggest fears
and to come out unscathed
to those who have let me go
to those who have gone before me
to those who have allowed me the closeness
and to those who have allowed me the space
to those who were there and now are gone
and especially to those who are here and now
THANK YOU
for the love, for the heart, for the mind, for the freedom to take you all with me.
to carry you deep in my heart
some for a moment
some for ever
all becoming a part of who this life becomes with every sunrise
and who I want to be at every sunset.
S.
Friday, February 19, 2016
All wrapped now isn't it?
Nope.
The emotional roller coaster I thought was wrapping up was only just begun.
Has it ended?
Yup.
Am I in that old familiar place of wondering what the fuck went wrong, how I could have been more patient, and how I could have made minor adjustments to keep her?
Yup.
Am I another relationship older and probably more set in my opinions than ever before - Yup.
Do I still feel
The Right One's Will Get It.
Absofuckinglutely!!!
She got it for a summer, and into the fall. And somewhere along the way, things changed, she retreated and in my own desperate way I chased her into running faster. A lesson learned at the cost of more summertime adventures?
Maybe not...
They were the same old summertime adventures I have been having for years!
Only the names and faces of the folks I talk into joining me changes.
There have been overnight bike rides with Jesse, Dragoni and Anna, Ryan, Igor, Sara, Rob, Havilah, Lisa, Robin...
...and a ton of them by myself!!
The company is nice to have that's for sure - look back through the years of blog entries and you can see the adventures and the friends that shared them.
But MOST of them have been solo,
this whole lifestyle started as a way to deal with my Mom's suicide.
A journey I have only shared small bits and pieces with close friends, crossing paths but never really getting too deep into the emotional side of the anguish, the resentment, the fears, the guilt, and the sadness.
That's the Journey I have been hogging all to myself.
I got some healing to do for sure - but its not for the loss of love.
I'm STILL surrounded by love.
Re-connecting with this body of writing and pictures, this bag of memories forever archived on the web, has shown me that no matter where I have gone, across cultural and language barriers, across ages and social backgrounds, men women cats and dogs, I have always been surrounded by good spirits full of love.
Boone is that now.
Not the love of one
but the love of many.
Dinner with another spiritual thinker last Wednesday highlighted all the things this place will teach you about yourself. Its a place to get insular - without running away.
As I sit here the owner of the Cafe asks a familiar questions;
"Hey Scott, are you working tonight..."
I say "Yeah you coming by for a pint?"
He and his lady say - "No man, we were hoping you would come bowling with us."
After waking with my mind in the past this morning,
I head into the second half of the day,
Two feet firmly on the ground in Boone
surrounded by the same old love I have always been full of.
A little ME time is exactly what I needed
and I'm gonna do what I always do with it - Share it!
call me....I'm free.
S.
Nope.
The emotional roller coaster I thought was wrapping up was only just begun.
Has it ended?
Yup.
Am I in that old familiar place of wondering what the fuck went wrong, how I could have been more patient, and how I could have made minor adjustments to keep her?
Yup.
Am I another relationship older and probably more set in my opinions than ever before - Yup.
Do I still feel
The Right One's Will Get It.
Absofuckinglutely!!!
She got it for a summer, and into the fall. And somewhere along the way, things changed, she retreated and in my own desperate way I chased her into running faster. A lesson learned at the cost of more summertime adventures?
Maybe not...
They were the same old summertime adventures I have been having for years!
Only the names and faces of the folks I talk into joining me changes.
There have been overnight bike rides with Jesse, Dragoni and Anna, Ryan, Igor, Sara, Rob, Havilah, Lisa, Robin...
...and a ton of them by myself!!
The company is nice to have that's for sure - look back through the years of blog entries and you can see the adventures and the friends that shared them.
But MOST of them have been solo,
this whole lifestyle started as a way to deal with my Mom's suicide.
A journey I have only shared small bits and pieces with close friends, crossing paths but never really getting too deep into the emotional side of the anguish, the resentment, the fears, the guilt, and the sadness.
That's the Journey I have been hogging all to myself.
I got some healing to do for sure - but its not for the loss of love.
I'm STILL surrounded by love.
Re-connecting with this body of writing and pictures, this bag of memories forever archived on the web, has shown me that no matter where I have gone, across cultural and language barriers, across ages and social backgrounds, men women cats and dogs, I have always been surrounded by good spirits full of love.
Boone is that now.
Not the love of one
but the love of many.
Dinner with another spiritual thinker last Wednesday highlighted all the things this place will teach you about yourself. Its a place to get insular - without running away.
As I sit here the owner of the Cafe asks a familiar questions;
"Hey Scott, are you working tonight..."
I say "Yeah you coming by for a pint?"
He and his lady say - "No man, we were hoping you would come bowling with us."
After waking with my mind in the past this morning,
I head into the second half of the day,
Two feet firmly on the ground in Boone
surrounded by the same old love I have always been full of.
A little ME time is exactly what I needed
and I'm gonna do what I always do with it - Share it!
call me....I'm free.
S.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Still the same old me I was when I got here....
Been quite a couple weeks.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!
Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences
1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE
...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.
Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.
A roller coaster of emotions
from work to relationships
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
waiting waiting waiting...
Trying not to make knee jerk decisions
allowing myself to see the true nature of what I want.
trying to make changes for someone else
trying to make changes for the good of others
to be more in alignment with another
be it a group of coworkers
or a love interest
shoes that just don't fit
a crown too tight
a vision narrowed by titles and responsibilities
someone else's expectations
over my appreciations
for all that I have here in the high country
and I got a LOT here in the high country
ages old journals revealed lists
what I wanted at the time
what I have wanted all this time
still holds true.
EVERY BOX CHECKED!
and it does not say "high paying job"
it does not say "a woman to share it with"
it does not mention a companion
but compatriots
cohorts
not partners
but partners in crime
buddies
and quite simply
MORE DUDES for fuck's sake!
A life of waiting for women to decide
started with a woman deciding to die
and Im not waiting around any more
not waiting to LIVE!
Still the same Olde Scotty I was when I got here
when I LEFT there
save for 2 notable differences
1 - FREEDOM
2 - PURPOSE
...and with those two things aligned right now, you can expect to see bigger and better than ever before as I take a solo flight and dig deeper into this community of friends and heroes around me.
Cant wait to share the journey - now that I'm back on it!
S.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Fake Ass Bitches...
Before you turn away from what you thought was another late night rant, let me explain.
I have been witness to some really fake interactions as of late. Not directed at me, but at someone I am very fond of, and someone whom I feel propelled to protect from time to time, even though she doesn't need it, someone I have an image of, an appreciation of that does not gel with what these false friends, and shitty acquaintances have felt they can get away with. On top of that she is being reminded of times in the past when people said one thing and did another, when people showed their true flakey, distrustful, selfish selves and she was forced to believe them.
And its getting to me.
But Im trying to not let my own experiences be clouded by that. At one time a good friend (who admittedly I have fallen out of contact with over the years) told me some of the best advice I could have taken at the time. She said;
"When people show you who they really are - all you have to do is believe them."
At the time I put the emphasis on the word "ALL you have to do..." because I needed to excuse myself from becoming deeper and deeper involved in relationships that were not healthy or rewarding for me. I had a tendency in those days (and still do to some degree) to fix things. I guess its what made me a good wrench for all those years, but it wreaked havoc on my relationship conceptualization when I saw someone or some situation that was broken (not healthy) I would invest MORE energy into it, and my friend was trying to help me step away, invest LESS. Since then, I have used the saying to help others do the same, and to excuse the passing people in my life I felt just did not need or deserve a big chunk of what I have to give as a friend, no matter for how long.
In short - it acts like a complete asshole - it probably is, and I already have an asshole thankyouverymuch!
Lately I find myself in situations where the people around me that I spend the bulk of my time with, be it work, or in passing, or those silly regular retail and commerce interactions where we find ourselves gravitating towards the same checker at the grocery store for even just a head-nod of familiarity, are all really decent folk. As far as I can tell... The bar tenders I manage are GREAT! Respectful and hard working people who have developed a rapport that involves being able to bitch AND find solutions, as well as spend time outside of work with each other in a rewarding way. I dig the people I work with and despite their collective younger age I am proud to be associated with them, to listen to them navigate their worlds, and to grow as we go. I have a handful of folks I run into on a regular, at cafes and pubs, downtown and in neighboring communities that know me from the bar, recognize me, and we have decent cordial real interactions. I even had an acquaintance recently very plainly and directly answer the question "How have you been? with the realest answer of the year - "Lonely and a little sad, but thanks for asking." An answer that prompted listeners to gasp, and for us to get really real for a minute - refreshingly so. I dug Boone for so many reasons when I first got here just a little over a year ago - and one of those was how real people seemed to be, how genuine and honest, and friendly the bulk of strangers had been, and how easy it felt that I entered into a little mini world.
And my world continues to grow. With more people, more diversity, and more interactions now that another busy summer rests under a blanket of fall, I wish I could say that I have ONLY met more of the same good folks, but that would not be entirely true. As it turns out, there are selfish backstabbers, flakes, rats, weasels, bitches, fakes, phonies, punks, and insecure little dick-swingers everywhere. There are people who lie to your face, who will walk on people to get what they want, who are more interested in power than people, and who scheme behind your back while smiling in your face.
Good thing its a small percentage of the world, and really really good thing that I have built up enough tolerance, recognition, and a mini wall for dealing with it.
(If nothing else, there are hip hop albums like Dre's 2001, and Jay-Z's The Blueprint to get you through it all...)
"When people show you who they really are, all you have to do is believe them."
How bout the emphasis on "all you HAVE TO DO is believe them."
What if you want to do more, say to protect yourself, or to reward those who showed you exactly what you wanted to see in them. Last week I wrote in my journal about just that!
Two weeks ago I found myself cornered at work again! Same old same old... threatening work ethic I suppose. But I needed to re-evaluate and I transitioned from feeling bitter about bosses and colleagues who are once again questioning what they get for the measly time cards I turned in, to appreciating the super star bartenders I manage and work side by side with interacting with great customers who put tip money in our pockets so we can live here. I managed to take the attention off the relationships that are NOT rewarding and onto the ones that are and came up with the following:
When people show you who they really are all you have to do is believe them.
If they show you what you had hoped - celebrate them,
If they show you more than what you expected - reward them,
If they show you what you want - give back ten fold,
If they show you positivity - pull them closer,
If they show you negativity - let them be.
This Sunday Robin and I are doing something neither of us would have ever thought - we are going to church. Not for the dogmatic religious bullshit, but for the community. We are hopeful that at least on the surface, and according with what I feel is traditional "churchy" ethics, we probably wont find any fake ass bitches there. At least not on the first trip. We are searching for community, people our age, who want to surround themselves with something positive, encouraging, and supportive the a small(ish) community of Boone. Its a Unitarian church so the pan-religious offerings should be at the very least interesting to a critical consumer of information like myself. At best, we will find what we have both as of late felt was lacking, a real sense of community.
I hear they have pretty good free coffee at 10:30.
And you KNOW I'll show up if there are free consumables!
S.
I have been witness to some really fake interactions as of late. Not directed at me, but at someone I am very fond of, and someone whom I feel propelled to protect from time to time, even though she doesn't need it, someone I have an image of, an appreciation of that does not gel with what these false friends, and shitty acquaintances have felt they can get away with. On top of that she is being reminded of times in the past when people said one thing and did another, when people showed their true flakey, distrustful, selfish selves and she was forced to believe them.
And its getting to me.
But Im trying to not let my own experiences be clouded by that. At one time a good friend (who admittedly I have fallen out of contact with over the years) told me some of the best advice I could have taken at the time. She said;
"When people show you who they really are - all you have to do is believe them."
At the time I put the emphasis on the word "ALL you have to do..." because I needed to excuse myself from becoming deeper and deeper involved in relationships that were not healthy or rewarding for me. I had a tendency in those days (and still do to some degree) to fix things. I guess its what made me a good wrench for all those years, but it wreaked havoc on my relationship conceptualization when I saw someone or some situation that was broken (not healthy) I would invest MORE energy into it, and my friend was trying to help me step away, invest LESS. Since then, I have used the saying to help others do the same, and to excuse the passing people in my life I felt just did not need or deserve a big chunk of what I have to give as a friend, no matter for how long.
In short - it acts like a complete asshole - it probably is, and I already have an asshole thankyouverymuch!
Lately I find myself in situations where the people around me that I spend the bulk of my time with, be it work, or in passing, or those silly regular retail and commerce interactions where we find ourselves gravitating towards the same checker at the grocery store for even just a head-nod of familiarity, are all really decent folk. As far as I can tell... The bar tenders I manage are GREAT! Respectful and hard working people who have developed a rapport that involves being able to bitch AND find solutions, as well as spend time outside of work with each other in a rewarding way. I dig the people I work with and despite their collective younger age I am proud to be associated with them, to listen to them navigate their worlds, and to grow as we go. I have a handful of folks I run into on a regular, at cafes and pubs, downtown and in neighboring communities that know me from the bar, recognize me, and we have decent cordial real interactions. I even had an acquaintance recently very plainly and directly answer the question "How have you been? with the realest answer of the year - "Lonely and a little sad, but thanks for asking." An answer that prompted listeners to gasp, and for us to get really real for a minute - refreshingly so. I dug Boone for so many reasons when I first got here just a little over a year ago - and one of those was how real people seemed to be, how genuine and honest, and friendly the bulk of strangers had been, and how easy it felt that I entered into a little mini world.
And my world continues to grow. With more people, more diversity, and more interactions now that another busy summer rests under a blanket of fall, I wish I could say that I have ONLY met more of the same good folks, but that would not be entirely true. As it turns out, there are selfish backstabbers, flakes, rats, weasels, bitches, fakes, phonies, punks, and insecure little dick-swingers everywhere. There are people who lie to your face, who will walk on people to get what they want, who are more interested in power than people, and who scheme behind your back while smiling in your face.
Good thing its a small percentage of the world, and really really good thing that I have built up enough tolerance, recognition, and a mini wall for dealing with it.
(If nothing else, there are hip hop albums like Dre's 2001, and Jay-Z's The Blueprint to get you through it all...)
"When people show you who they really are, all you have to do is believe them."
How bout the emphasis on "all you HAVE TO DO is believe them."
What if you want to do more, say to protect yourself, or to reward those who showed you exactly what you wanted to see in them. Last week I wrote in my journal about just that!
Two weeks ago I found myself cornered at work again! Same old same old... threatening work ethic I suppose. But I needed to re-evaluate and I transitioned from feeling bitter about bosses and colleagues who are once again questioning what they get for the measly time cards I turned in, to appreciating the super star bartenders I manage and work side by side with interacting with great customers who put tip money in our pockets so we can live here. I managed to take the attention off the relationships that are NOT rewarding and onto the ones that are and came up with the following:
When people show you who they really are all you have to do is believe them.
If they show you what you had hoped - celebrate them,
If they show you more than what you expected - reward them,
If they show you what you want - give back ten fold,
If they show you positivity - pull them closer,
If they show you negativity - let them be.
This Sunday Robin and I are doing something neither of us would have ever thought - we are going to church. Not for the dogmatic religious bullshit, but for the community. We are hopeful that at least on the surface, and according with what I feel is traditional "churchy" ethics, we probably wont find any fake ass bitches there. At least not on the first trip. We are searching for community, people our age, who want to surround themselves with something positive, encouraging, and supportive the a small(ish) community of Boone. Its a Unitarian church so the pan-religious offerings should be at the very least interesting to a critical consumer of information like myself. At best, we will find what we have both as of late felt was lacking, a real sense of community.
I hear they have pretty good free coffee at 10:30.
And you KNOW I'll show up if there are free consumables!
S.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Appreciations (over) Expectations
Been a nice long while since I've written anything...
ANYWHERE!
Not just here but in any of my little black books.
Id like to say its because I have been KILLING IT at living, but the truth is my commitment to working as a form of identity, giving it my all, my over the top approach to new relationships, as well as the ease of using technology these days, to take photos, or make stupid little lists to keep my scatter-brained days in order, have all conspired against the classic need for a little Scott Time all to myself.
Too complicate things (as my brain LOVES to do) I have been looking over the fence again - thinking my life felt more stable, more active, more balanced at some other time, in some other place... usually Italy. I really had a major shift living that seasonal traveling life, and as much as I wanted to finally "just LIVE someplace for a while" as I had been saying the last year, now that I'm here....well.... I miss the traveling seasonal thing. The Fish of Emotion constantly chasing the Fish of Emotions... or was it the other way around...
Deeper we go...
Why do I miss it? It was too much work and not enough money! It was unstable and uncertain! I never felt like I truly belonged any one place, I never really wanted to stay past the changing of the leaves, and I never imagined I would stop exploring. Is my experience here in Boone any different though? I still work too much - I always have. Nothing is stable or certain in my life - EVER! and to start thinking so would only end in the harsh reminder that I am NOT in control of anything but my reactions. The social chameleon that I have grown to be means that I can act like I belong, but it has grown out of mostly feeling like I never really truly found my cultural niche. The job that I do purports to be achieving something socially wonderful for a community - and yet when I look around I only see people drinking beer. I'm starting to feel the change of season, and if its anything like the feelings of spring, I anticipate wanting to pack it all up and go - because that's the mental and physical memory I have of the past 6 years worth of seasonal changes. My life has ebbed and flowed with the seasons, and I don't mean that in some eloquent Walt Whitman prose - I simply mean I get itchy to go someplace new.
All these feelings subsided yesterday - in the way that they always have for me and my busy overactive mind...on a bike. I went for what I originally thought was going to be an easy ride, 300 feet of climbing out to a little cafe along a lazy river - a ride I truly love to do, and one I have done many times since last fall.
Then I saw a side road...and I got that pull. The pull I used to get in Italy, when my sense of adventure was at an all time high, that feeling that leaves me glowing at the end of a ride answering the question "where did you ride?" with the smiling simple answer "that way." I took a small side road that ended up being a dead end, but led me to the idea of riding a familiar road in an unfamiliar directions.
Baby steps
What transpired was amazing. Twisty paved descents, quiet country roads, pavement ends - turns to chunky gravel and dirt, climb, climb, climb... and more roads into town, through the green-way paths and quiet parks, bypassing the last hill to my house for a slow, steep, grassy creep up the back yard. Almost 2000 feet of climbing, and mostly on dirt without another soul around.
https://goo.gl/maps/AvPlz
And that was just the scenery. The mental landscape of the ride is where the REAL journey was - and always has been.
I thought of work for the first few minutes, and then it slipped away, somewhere in the huff of tired lungs, and rhythmic legs, and the crunch of tires on gravel, it simply disappeared.
I thought of Italy, of how much I loved those dirt roads, those long climbs, how much I rode, and how much I enjoyed getting lost. I thought naught of how much I missed it, but of how much it taught me about myself, and how I have been lazily doing mostly what I know in Boone. I thought of those days on a bike when I didn't know where I was going, or how long it would take, if I would make it out with enough food and water. Not being able to call for a ride in made the adventures a little frightening and a little exciting. I thought of how lazy I have become in Boone, with a car, and language, and money, and I shifted into a bigger cog and made my legs burn until I could not remember where I was going. A pang of fear; not enough water? or food? do I have a spare tube or patch kit? an unprepared ride after weeks of making plans and lists for everything else in life - and I'm back to feeling the confidence I left Italy with. Confidence in the only thing I know - that I really don't know!
Another Muscle Memory Remembered.
I thought of the women in my life - of course of my Mother, who I long to share with when my confidence is high, and whom I miss terribly when it is low. I thought of the relationships I have left behind, and the ones that took another road. I think of the ones who would have enjoyed a ride like this one, and the ones who were not patient enough or strong enough to make it.
I thought of Robin - In a short amount of time, and without anything more than a "natural" effort, she has understood me, who I am right now, and where I come from. She engages me on a mental and physical level that is unmatched by anything from my past. She is a thinker, and a do-er on a level I always hoped for in a friend, and so much more so as a lover, or girlfriend, or buddy, or special-lady-friend-person.... she is so much more I might have to make up a new word to refer to her!! In the amount of time it usually takes me to tire of a relationship, or to start seeing through it, and plan an escape - she and I have done so much together that I cannot WAIT for the next three months.... and the three months after that... and the three.... you get the idea. Most importantly she shared with me the little life equasion below:
APPRECIATIONS = a Happy UNbalanced life
expectations
Its a math equation that rings so much truth for me, piggy-backs on conceptual frameworks of my own searching for the ever-elusive balance....
I thought of where I have CHOSEN to be - in the high country of the Appalachian Mountains. It really is beautiful here. My comparative mind wants it to be my own private Romagna, La Mia Romagna Privata - and the more I get out and appreciate it - IT IS! I have the things I wanted from a community, from a small(ish) town in the lower 48 states. I have some bodies of water with amazing swimming holes to ride to. I have some flatter rides when I'm feeling lazy, and some steep climbs when I want to get lost for the day. I have friends, a good job that appreciates the work I have done in the past and the work I am doing now. I have the toys I want, and the means to get to and from the places I want to use them. I have a farmers market once a week, an art crawl once a month, and all the great coffee and cold beer I could want. I have a Lady who wants to show me some places I didn't know about, and to find some new ones together, a Lady who doesn't sit still long, who gets antsy in the pantsy to travel, and who is willing to take the risk of getting close to share it all with me.
Needless to say - by the end of the ride, APPRECIATIONS were, and remain at an ALL TIME HIGH!
Here are some pics... Bonus points if you can tell me which one is NOT Boone. One of them is Italy, a ride that felt, sounded, and did for me what yesterdays ride did here in NC.
Thanks for being a part of it in whatever way you are...
S.
ANYWHERE!
Not just here but in any of my little black books.
Id like to say its because I have been KILLING IT at living, but the truth is my commitment to working as a form of identity, giving it my all, my over the top approach to new relationships, as well as the ease of using technology these days, to take photos, or make stupid little lists to keep my scatter-brained days in order, have all conspired against the classic need for a little Scott Time all to myself.
Too complicate things (as my brain LOVES to do) I have been looking over the fence again - thinking my life felt more stable, more active, more balanced at some other time, in some other place... usually Italy. I really had a major shift living that seasonal traveling life, and as much as I wanted to finally "just LIVE someplace for a while" as I had been saying the last year, now that I'm here....well.... I miss the traveling seasonal thing. The Fish of Emotion constantly chasing the Fish of Emotions... or was it the other way around...
Deeper we go...
Why do I miss it? It was too much work and not enough money! It was unstable and uncertain! I never felt like I truly belonged any one place, I never really wanted to stay past the changing of the leaves, and I never imagined I would stop exploring. Is my experience here in Boone any different though? I still work too much - I always have. Nothing is stable or certain in my life - EVER! and to start thinking so would only end in the harsh reminder that I am NOT in control of anything but my reactions. The social chameleon that I have grown to be means that I can act like I belong, but it has grown out of mostly feeling like I never really truly found my cultural niche. The job that I do purports to be achieving something socially wonderful for a community - and yet when I look around I only see people drinking beer. I'm starting to feel the change of season, and if its anything like the feelings of spring, I anticipate wanting to pack it all up and go - because that's the mental and physical memory I have of the past 6 years worth of seasonal changes. My life has ebbed and flowed with the seasons, and I don't mean that in some eloquent Walt Whitman prose - I simply mean I get itchy to go someplace new.
All these feelings subsided yesterday - in the way that they always have for me and my busy overactive mind...on a bike. I went for what I originally thought was going to be an easy ride, 300 feet of climbing out to a little cafe along a lazy river - a ride I truly love to do, and one I have done many times since last fall.
Then I saw a side road...and I got that pull. The pull I used to get in Italy, when my sense of adventure was at an all time high, that feeling that leaves me glowing at the end of a ride answering the question "where did you ride?" with the smiling simple answer "that way." I took a small side road that ended up being a dead end, but led me to the idea of riding a familiar road in an unfamiliar directions.
Baby steps
What transpired was amazing. Twisty paved descents, quiet country roads, pavement ends - turns to chunky gravel and dirt, climb, climb, climb... and more roads into town, through the green-way paths and quiet parks, bypassing the last hill to my house for a slow, steep, grassy creep up the back yard. Almost 2000 feet of climbing, and mostly on dirt without another soul around.
https://goo.gl/maps/AvPlz
And that was just the scenery. The mental landscape of the ride is where the REAL journey was - and always has been.
I thought of work for the first few minutes, and then it slipped away, somewhere in the huff of tired lungs, and rhythmic legs, and the crunch of tires on gravel, it simply disappeared.
I thought of Italy, of how much I loved those dirt roads, those long climbs, how much I rode, and how much I enjoyed getting lost. I thought naught of how much I missed it, but of how much it taught me about myself, and how I have been lazily doing mostly what I know in Boone. I thought of those days on a bike when I didn't know where I was going, or how long it would take, if I would make it out with enough food and water. Not being able to call for a ride in made the adventures a little frightening and a little exciting. I thought of how lazy I have become in Boone, with a car, and language, and money, and I shifted into a bigger cog and made my legs burn until I could not remember where I was going. A pang of fear; not enough water? or food? do I have a spare tube or patch kit? an unprepared ride after weeks of making plans and lists for everything else in life - and I'm back to feeling the confidence I left Italy with. Confidence in the only thing I know - that I really don't know!
Another Muscle Memory Remembered.
I thought of the women in my life - of course of my Mother, who I long to share with when my confidence is high, and whom I miss terribly when it is low. I thought of the relationships I have left behind, and the ones that took another road. I think of the ones who would have enjoyed a ride like this one, and the ones who were not patient enough or strong enough to make it.
I thought of Robin - In a short amount of time, and without anything more than a "natural" effort, she has understood me, who I am right now, and where I come from. She engages me on a mental and physical level that is unmatched by anything from my past. She is a thinker, and a do-er on a level I always hoped for in a friend, and so much more so as a lover, or girlfriend, or buddy, or special-lady-friend-person.... she is so much more I might have to make up a new word to refer to her!! In the amount of time it usually takes me to tire of a relationship, or to start seeing through it, and plan an escape - she and I have done so much together that I cannot WAIT for the next three months.... and the three months after that... and the three.... you get the idea. Most importantly she shared with me the little life equasion below:
APPRECIATIONS = a Happy UNbalanced life
expectations
Its a math equation that rings so much truth for me, piggy-backs on conceptual frameworks of my own searching for the ever-elusive balance....
I thought of where I have CHOSEN to be - in the high country of the Appalachian Mountains. It really is beautiful here. My comparative mind wants it to be my own private Romagna, La Mia Romagna Privata - and the more I get out and appreciate it - IT IS! I have the things I wanted from a community, from a small(ish) town in the lower 48 states. I have some bodies of water with amazing swimming holes to ride to. I have some flatter rides when I'm feeling lazy, and some steep climbs when I want to get lost for the day. I have friends, a good job that appreciates the work I have done in the past and the work I am doing now. I have the toys I want, and the means to get to and from the places I want to use them. I have a farmers market once a week, an art crawl once a month, and all the great coffee and cold beer I could want. I have a Lady who wants to show me some places I didn't know about, and to find some new ones together, a Lady who doesn't sit still long, who gets antsy in the pantsy to travel, and who is willing to take the risk of getting close to share it all with me.
Needless to say - by the end of the ride, APPRECIATIONS were, and remain at an ALL TIME HIGH!
Here are some pics... Bonus points if you can tell me which one is NOT Boone. One of them is Italy, a ride that felt, sounded, and did for me what yesterdays ride did here in NC.
Thanks for being a part of it in whatever way you are...
S.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Spring brings change and growth...
But This aint about flowers growing in your raised bed urban gardens.
This is about SUN!
This is also about changes of attitude, changes in latitude.
This aint no cheeseburger in paradise.
This is life, the constant evolution, revolution, of it all.
ALL.
You have a conversation with a fun new job one day - about how you wish you could do more but you have another job comitment, and in June you will make yourself more available...
The next day that other commitment fires you by TEXT!?
I wish you could hear my laughter - TEXT!? Yeah, the millineals are now in charge. they are setting the norm for how its done. And its done by text.
I spent the last week shredding with one of the Top 5! And to be honest, hes pretty damn far up there! Jesse Huselid and I have been on all kinds of bike, in all kinds of places. He has driven me to airports at ungodly hours, and bought the first rounds when I landed. He has scooped me up when I was drunk and picked me up when I was sad. Hes a TRUE FRIEND! Hes also a wicked smart dude, who is in the midst of changes himself, graduating with another degree and entering into full on work world with fancy clothes and a commute and everything and I could not be more proud of him.
This past week we shredded on mountain bikes all over Appalachia and I can honestly say that having him here to explore some new trails together makes me really feel like this could be HOME.
WHAT!?!?!
Is Olde Scotty Boy gonna settle down? Who knows. I did by an ice cube tray at the thrift store today, that could be a sign of things to come... but I do know that spring has brought the changes I needed to see happen to consider this place home for a bit. Im no longer working the shitty underpaid bike shop jobs of the past, where my skills and experience are undervalued and underpaid. I turned my back on beer jobs in 2009 when I thought it just wasnt going to do it for me, and bikes have allowed me to travel all over the world. But bike jobs always came with the stress of under-appreciated hard working hours and ultimately abandonment in the end for some reason related to the fact that my energy is not for the typical bike shop owner, and my mouth is not needed as much as my hands and back.
Im working at Appalachian Mountain Brewery, and after my resume was passed around from brew-house, to tap room, and after I was fought over for that first big weekend of events, after being asked by customers 4 out of 5 shifts if I was the owner (even right in front of the actual owner one time!) and after my enthusiasm, knowledge, work history, and ethic has been discussed by decision makers as something to retain, I'm feeling like I have again not just turned towards the beer industry, but have received the recognition I deserve and a chance to thrive in an environment that fits who I have become.
Now dont go thinking this is some kind of "Return of HANK" cause I am certainly NOT the same dude I was in 2009. I have also learned a lot of good lessons. Im STILL learning lessons, what works in any particular situation and what does not in another... its a tricky world to navigate out there. Sometimes you get a jolt of electricity sometimes you get the cheese. But I do seem to have a lot of fun with it...so...
Here I am.
In BOONE NC
Working at a fun brewery that is about to blow up!
Feeling like I have community.
Theres a Farmers Market
Theres some great riding around here.
The people are really friendly.
The weather is spectacularly copricious
COME VISIT!!!!
And Im feeling home...
at least for now....
S.
This is about SUN!
This is also about changes of attitude, changes in latitude.
This aint no cheeseburger in paradise.
This is life, the constant evolution, revolution, of it all.
ALL.
You have a conversation with a fun new job one day - about how you wish you could do more but you have another job comitment, and in June you will make yourself more available...
The next day that other commitment fires you by TEXT!?
I wish you could hear my laughter - TEXT!? Yeah, the millineals are now in charge. they are setting the norm for how its done. And its done by text.
I spent the last week shredding with one of the Top 5! And to be honest, hes pretty damn far up there! Jesse Huselid and I have been on all kinds of bike, in all kinds of places. He has driven me to airports at ungodly hours, and bought the first rounds when I landed. He has scooped me up when I was drunk and picked me up when I was sad. Hes a TRUE FRIEND! Hes also a wicked smart dude, who is in the midst of changes himself, graduating with another degree and entering into full on work world with fancy clothes and a commute and everything and I could not be more proud of him.
This past week we shredded on mountain bikes all over Appalachia and I can honestly say that having him here to explore some new trails together makes me really feel like this could be HOME.
WHAT!?!?!
Is Olde Scotty Boy gonna settle down? Who knows. I did by an ice cube tray at the thrift store today, that could be a sign of things to come... but I do know that spring has brought the changes I needed to see happen to consider this place home for a bit. Im no longer working the shitty underpaid bike shop jobs of the past, where my skills and experience are undervalued and underpaid. I turned my back on beer jobs in 2009 when I thought it just wasnt going to do it for me, and bikes have allowed me to travel all over the world. But bike jobs always came with the stress of under-appreciated hard working hours and ultimately abandonment in the end for some reason related to the fact that my energy is not for the typical bike shop owner, and my mouth is not needed as much as my hands and back.
Im working at Appalachian Mountain Brewery, and after my resume was passed around from brew-house, to tap room, and after I was fought over for that first big weekend of events, after being asked by customers 4 out of 5 shifts if I was the owner (even right in front of the actual owner one time!) and after my enthusiasm, knowledge, work history, and ethic has been discussed by decision makers as something to retain, I'm feeling like I have again not just turned towards the beer industry, but have received the recognition I deserve and a chance to thrive in an environment that fits who I have become.
Now dont go thinking this is some kind of "Return of HANK" cause I am certainly NOT the same dude I was in 2009. I have also learned a lot of good lessons. Im STILL learning lessons, what works in any particular situation and what does not in another... its a tricky world to navigate out there. Sometimes you get a jolt of electricity sometimes you get the cheese. But I do seem to have a lot of fun with it...so...
Here I am.
In BOONE NC
Working at a fun brewery that is about to blow up!
Feeling like I have community.
Theres a Farmers Market
Theres some great riding around here.
The people are really friendly.
The weather is spectacularly copricious
COME VISIT!!!!
And Im feeling home...
at least for now....
S.